23AndMe Forensic Kit Informs Customer What Crimes He’s Committed
FRESNO, CA—Marveling at how a tiny bit of DNA could provide so much information about a person, local man Travis Fleming told sources Friday that he had recently learned what crimes he committed thanks to the 23AndMe forensic kit. “I spit into the vial they provided, shipped it off to the 23AndMe forensic lab, and then six weeks later I received the results outlining my exact culpability in all sorts of illegal acts,” said Fleming, scrolling through the online genetic report linking him to burglaries, kidnappings, and homicides. “It’s so cool to see my entire criminal history laid out so clearly. The test was able to pinpoint the exact locations of where I committed arson, plus it told me the likelihood that I’ll strike again in the future. I found out I’m at a higher risk of carrying out an assault with intent to cause bodily harm than the general population, so I’ll have to watch out for that as I get older.” Fleming, who already knew a lot of the information contained in the report, was astonished to learn that he was 1 percent responsible for the Mỹ Lai Massacre.Read more: The Onion »
This is a nice heads up so you can plan for your future better I thought they already could identify racist micro aggressions. That sales guy lied to me! Hopefully it can find out who killed my sister. 23 years later and still no answer This is why people shouldn’t drink or use drugs? 23andMe Mine just says I’m a turtle
GreatDismal GreatDismal I was thinking that a for-profit prison firm was going to advertise to the general public on TV like the prescription drug companies...'the State knows you're guilty of something--so throw yourself on OUR mercy, and WE will handle the remainder of your life and affairs.' GreatDismal Again, not clearly a spoof story.
Would be funnier if it read 'what crime's he was going to commit' Will it include my long & sustained crime spree against fashion? I don’t remember shit and I don’t have any intention of finding out. Does this include white collar crime? My old pal Pete actually uses these to screen people at the Pearly Gates
FAKE NEWS! There is no way that is possible Cc:’d with local DA We can’t have humor at a time like this, when the world sits on the precipice of total ruin due to Trump! The Onion must be cancelled, since they have at times made fun of the left! “What if you can’t read? Hold for a call from the President.”
what are the legal stuff going on with this? my family may be surprised if they make me do this test please help me oh go
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Los Angeles, 6 Other Cities Join Coalition To Test Universal Basic IncomeMayors in L.A. and 6 other U.S. cities said they will work to launch universal basic income pilot programs—a growing sign that political leaders are beginning to take the idea of guaranteed income seriously in the wake of the pandemic by rachsandl rachsandl Income is what you earn. This is welfare. rachsandl Hmm Argentina, Venezuela here we come. rachsandl Guaranteed income? Is that what they’re calling welfare now?
Pelosi says she doesn't know 'what the Russians have on' Trump after reports of bounties on US troopsHouse Speaker says White House has ignored any misdeeds committed by Russia Trump dealings with Russia goes way back. In july 1987 Trump and his wife, Ivana, who speaks Russian, make their first visit to the Soviet Union and again in 1996 Trump returns to Russia and that trends to date. It wouldn't be a surprise if Russian had something on him. Brazilian journalist Mr. Oswaldo Eustáquio was arrested by order of the Supreme Court. The reporter was investigating possible crimes and misconduct by some members of the Brazilian court. We are seeing in Brazil the dictatorship of the Judiciary ... Help! Isn't she ever going to retire I mean I'm pretty sure she has enough money to do so. Or is Soros and the Rothschild's keeping her around to screw with us 🤔😓
Catering groups are going through lean timesUsually reliable earners such as hospitals and prisons have dried up, while home-working has nibbled at growth I'm freezing alone These should not be profit focused organizations! It's absolutely dystopian that we even measure profit for prisons and hospitals. A measure of the disease of modern America. '...reliable earners such as...prisons' That pretty much sums America up, right?
The Fat Jewish Helping People Fix Neglected Nails in PandemicThe Fat Jewish says people are neglecting their nails in quarantine, so he's offering free manicures. huh Worst interviewer EVER!
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