Gaze upon these grooming scissors. Witness how nobly they accept the complexity of their task, a portrait of strength and grace, stopping at nothing to fulfill their duty to beautify the fair citizens of this nation!“Scissors” is Latin for “magic double knives.
” Truly, never was a tool more aptly named than this.For ne’er were such crafty wizardsSafety scissors, we salute you for protecting our children. Bless you. Bless you, kind scissors.Fuck! Ow, shit! Holy shit oh god that cut looks real deep. Fuck holy god think it went right through to the bone ow god damnit stupid fucking piece of—
CC: Bowens_Official PlatinumMax
I’m going to cut this article out and save it.
Are they Fiskars' ? So sexy...
love scissors
It's the pictures Big Paper doesn't want you to see.
They’re underrated. You don’t realize how much you need them until they’re gone.
This has a vintage SNL vibe. Or Almost Live! (for those oldies from Seattle)
1
I have 3 pairs of scissors rent a room and can never find not even one pair.
Magnificent
They’re like little guillotínes
DKrow_xx
Scissors don't just cut things.
Seeing a sharp object gives me ideas, man
stevezaragoza MikeFalzone ScissorsForEveryone
These scissors were noticeably absent
You forgot 'ergonomically correct'.
Assault scissors.
But... you might be ignoring left handed scissors, just saying.
Congress calls for mandatory background checks for all assault scissors sales
Run that by me again?
I had those exact scissors growing up
Right handed scissors 🤮
fuckin love me some nice scissors
Cutting edge reporting
Cutting edge imagery.
Shear perfection.
These are the very best scissors: fight me
Fiskars scissors, the best scissors in the world
I don’t like the agenda they were pushing or the pro-scissor bias. It makes me question their motives. Plus they disregard the unwavering spirit of other household cutting tools. Not to mention the racial undertones.
Some sharp photos there ….
We cut off your Johnson!
.Bowens_Official ✂️
I've got a bunch of pictures I could add, but they just won't cut it I'm afraid.
The picture of scissors is shear joy.
Nice try.
omg, are those Fiskars?
I saw the film.
edward scissahands
Beautiful. Made me shed a tear
Attempts were made to photograph people frolicking in a field with scissors but all the people being photographed ended up in the hospital.
Shredded tweet.
'.. if you stab the right spot..'
discriminatory torture device!
Can I write for you guys? I think I’m funny
Tried these but couldn't get me thumb through the hole - I chucked them out!
This invention is when humanity peaked
DaleInnis Two cups, one handle.
Hate to be a DEBBIE DOWNER regarding this topic tweeting, BUT, I’m a LEFTY since I can remember many years ago and required scissors specifically made for me to be able to use. NOTHING BREATHTAKING about them for me sadly.
Every day I thank the Scissor God for inspiring humanity to create such a perfect instrument
Still no match for a rock.
At least once a day I ask the Missus, 'Now where on Earth are my good shears?'
disappointed in the lack of representation
um hello?
Someone need to stop what you are taking 💊🚬🌿🤣
And with a near perfect McLarenF1 orange handle. 😌
Texas legalizes recreational mass shootings
The Onion has really overstayed its welcome since it's prostituted itself by going ga ga over something that can be covered by paper or smashed with a rock.
The movement is catching on. jeremiahstandup
Are you nuts? Pliers beat scissors any day.
Whoa never thought of it that way
Two blades brought together, designed to divide.
Please put an NSFW warning on these types of photos! Geez!
unironically beautiful scissors
Fake news, 2 handles 1 hand.
First pic doesn't cut it.
I like number 9 the best
Nice. Now show a video of them cutting through paper and gliding
Those are some pretty nice scissors ngl
I ran to see these photos, even though I was taught not to.
They're a cut above.
Honestly that is a nice photo of scissors
Brave
My ex and her new gf better be on here...
can i get these in the right hand torture version?
How many to be strangled heroines have escaped by a well-placed pair of scissors found in the nick of time.
Check this baby out. Ooo la la
It's all fun and games until someone plays rock.
I thought a court mandate had all sharp objects removed from Onion writers cause they know TheOnionSucks.
I was getting teary eye at the ode to the noble scissors, until the slide with the cut. Then, in a single moment, the tears stopped, and they were transformed to rage at the cruelty of the scissors. You people like to play with our emotions. Disgusting!
Think the women stabbed in face with scissors in Fl would appreciate this joke
JonahDispatch these scissors are clearly right handed and therefore racist somehow
The Onion stepping it up cause life got em beat
Enchanting!
They can cut a rug, I'll tell you that.
Beautiful!
such a piece omitting the Leatherman raptor is a travesty. Unsubscribing, blocking, reporting, canceling and telling your mom
So inspiring!
I laughed way too hard at this
I like them.
Don’t cut yours- GOD DAMN IT ONION YOU CLUMSY PEICES OF HIT
tHiS aIn'T sAtIrE aNyMoRe, It'S jUsT tHe TrUtH
Incisive, sharp and deep-cutting insights from the Onion.
Truly inspiring.
that is a scissors
R3dact10n ray why did you rt this
This is far right-handed propaganda. You should be ashamed
My babies
Stop running with them.
Hey! No running gag with scissors!
Safety scissors dont cut
A peace in progress of descission a split path, a switching lanes a division of parts, options.. possibilities.. sharp onset at the end blunt and generic.
How about these scissors I got about 20 years ago that belong to my friend's Dad. Craig Horn, if you are listening - I have your scissors!
You can trust this article me than you can trust the media in the US
scissoringitup
I have had scissors for more than 16 years.
At 29 there’s just no others way around it. You can’t cheap out on scissors.
In my humble opinion, scissors have the best personality out of all of the office/school supplies.
For real though, all the scissors shown are non-crappy ones, the only pair I couldn't tell for sure was 5. Otherwise beautiful and worthy of your praise. ✂️
I noticed the absence of left-handed scissors. They're the unsung heroes of the cutting world. You will not silence their power and grace. Do better.
Oh cut it out!
😂
The last 2 were my fave
This post is disrespectful to scissees. 👎
Shear brilliance!
As a left handed person, I'm shocked and appalled that you'd post such a triggering imagine... Disgraceful.
They look sturdy
This is why I got into photography
Feel free to publish. This attacking our Merican way of life.
Clickhole is shit; please don't try lump that dumb brand into The Onion now that you've sold it off.
Obvious clickbait
JEEZ STOP PUTTING NSFW ON MY TL
Hairstylist scissors are cool, all others are wack.
As a nerd I don't find this satirical.
He’d like a word
The last image was sublime
Dear Lord, Onion, this seems awfully inappropriate considering today is Canada Day. You know Canadians are sensitive about their scissors! CutItOut
I wanna run around holding all of them. 😍😍😍😍
The problem with this piece was you said it was 10 photos and it was 10 photos. To fully capture the '10 breathtaking photos of XYZ' you have to post at least 30.
Can The Onion be any more cutting edge?✂️
Runs w scissors.
These cut me up
The second half of 2020 is already making up for the first half.
IMPACTFUL
magical
Inspirational
This is powerful
The ads in these are horribly placed. Captions are ruined
This is an inspiring level of derangement
this article is discriminatory as no left handed scissors are featured, I for one will be writing a stiff letter of complaint highlighting this matter to my local member of parliament.
Hngggg im cumming
Dollar store, after a few uses, the rivet in the middle bends, then they won't cut wet noodles...
I can physically feel it’s presence
ah, yes, the Scissors.
need 2 to make it perfect scissors
I just want to point out how surprised I was to actually see photos of scissors given what you get when you type 'scissors' into Pornhub.
Number eleven didn't make the cut.
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