Your essential guide to the heatwave – men, keep your top on

-obsessed and talking about little else, but what else are we going to talk about? Our rich inner lives? Grow up.Eh? Wow! Nobody smell me! Like many of us, I spent the winter shivering and longing for the summer, but now that it’s finally here, I’m livid.

I don’t like complaining , but it’s time we all acknowledged that a great deal of the summer is horrible. And in order to get through it you have to be well prepared.For some people, the countryside in summer is a delight, all pleasant meadows and grassy romps. I hate those people.

I don’t want to be sitting here writing this. I want to be three ciders deep in a sunny pub garden talking at too high a volume and looking ever so red.School holidays are a nightmare for parents and non-parents alike. For non-parents, there are children everywhere being disgusting. Parents have to figure out how to entertain their offspring for six weeks without the whole family plummeting off a financial and intellectual cliff.

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