“What cheating on my partner taught me about love”

Writer Helen Fear vowed she would never follow in her father’s footsteps by cheating on a partner. So no one was more surprised than her when she embarked on a secret affair…Growing up in a household where my father’s affairs hung like a stink in every room, I told myself I could never – and would never – behave like that. I could never hurt the person I’d vowed to love. Being unfaithful was the ultimate betrayal.

I had been with my boyfriend for several years. He was ‘The One’, or so I thought at the time. He made me happy and we laughed constantly. The thought of him cheating on me was devastating and I believed I wasn’t capable of doing it to him. We had survived three years of being separated while I studied at university and our relationship felt strong.

The one-night-stand became a regular thing. It was obvious we had feelings for each other. Meanwhile, my boyfriend still visited, during which times my lover would stay away. In hindsight, I can’t believe I was able to talk myself into living such a double life. Looking back, I am ashamed at my behaviour: I didn’t like the person that I’d become, and I felt I was no better than my philandering father. At the time, though, I enjoyed the attention and had genuine feelings for two different men.

Embarking on an affair is exciting and it leaves you feeling desired. But I remember there were crushing lows, too. I felt horribly dirty if my faithful, loyal boyfriend called when I was with my lover – once when we were even in bed. I cringe with shame thinking about it now.The affair lasted as long as the course. After our exams, I discovered I was pregnant. The baby wasn’t my boyfriend’s. The realisation of what I had been doing came crashing down on me.

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