Both pregnancies I found really difficult and my mental health suffered. My body was changing rapidly, and, as someone who has struggled with an eating disorder, I struggled not being and feeling in control of that. I hated becoming objectified, I hid behind even baggier clothes and cringed at the fleeting comments on my appearance. Nobody really talks about eating disorders and pregnancy in the same context but they do co-exist.
The more uncomfortable I became during pregnancy, the more compelled I felt to document and gain some control over what was happening to me. I’d always been incredibly self-conscious and one to shy away from the camera, always photographing others and telling my story through someone else’s. This time was different, I felt truly alone in my experience and without any kind of reference points.
The second birth was a bit of a rollercoaster, I thought I’d nailed it until three days afterwards when I suffered a severe prolapse, something completely unexpected. Back in hospital, back on the labour ward, I can only say I wish I’d known or been made aware that this could have been prevented. There’s always hindsight. It’s a long road to recovery and something I’ll probably be living with for life.
I think at the time it was almost like therapy, getting to bond and connect with other mums going through similar experiences. I felt like everyone I met had their own unique experience but with so many parallels.It’s come a lot more naturally, I guess I knew what I was in for. The first time around it was complex, a complete minefield, it felt all consuming and took over especially at the beginning – it’s a full-time job feeding round the clock every couple of hours.
I’ve become a lot closer to my mum since becoming a mother. At first, I wanted to show I could do it all, I didn’t want to be patronised, but there were times with my son when I’d call my mum for help. And since my second son, I feel like we’ve become even closer. There’s a lot more appreciation there and an understanding, and I think we’ve begun to bond over motherhood. It’s become a common ground.