05 Jun 2018For all Quiverfull women, sexuality was a threat to be managed at all costs. Lust and masturbation were supposed to be men’s problems. I legitimately thought I was a potential sex addict until years later when I realised that I just had a normal healthy sex drive, and the church had just created all this shame to keep women in line, submissive and afraid of their own desires.
It wasn’t just sexuality they sought to control. Like my mum and sisters, I wasn’t allowed a credit card in my name or allowed control of property. My education was a precaution, “in case” my future husband was unable to work and provide for me. Everything was controlled; I was even forbidden to watch The Little Mermaid because not only was she immodest, she disobeyed her father and was rewarded for it.
Reading Atwood’s novel for the first time at 20, I was shaken. It was all so familiar, and so much more sinister than I had seen from the inside. That book was the start of my feminist awakening but I had to take it slowly, because processing the fact that you were groomed to be trapped in a cult by the people you trusted and loved is a really difficult process. Realizing that my father cared more about controlling me than about my wellbeing was a blow.
My journey out of the cult took years and years. I got married to end my father’s thirst for control. Then I got divorced because I was growing further and further away from patriarchal Christianity, and my husband was dissatisfied with a wife who wasn’t willing to bend over backwards to do emotional labour for him.
Love her amazing actress
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