And I’m not even lying. There was no stomach drop. No tears warming my eyes. It felt like a relief because I had been wondering for so long whether something could have been different between us. But now all that uncertainty has been met with something solid and I’m grateful for the sureness with which it stops me from getting what I want. The future has become concrete, the past was so much less so.
There were only so many chances I got to try because he only seemed interested in me on occasion, and on all of those I managed to mess it up. The last time I’d gone over to his for dinner it was late and everyone else had already left. We talked about ourselves, and in doing so I realised stuff about myself I didn’t even know I felt until it was sitting in the air between us.
He asked about going upstairs, and I thought about what that would mean. Breathing in ears, a finger dipping into a mouth. Not falling into the bookcase or smashing through a mirror, like they do in films, but every action painfully slow – pulling my top over my ears and pausing to look at the skin under there. And I said no, not because I didn’t want to, but because that moment felt rich with time and space. Everything between us felt so magnetic it was inevitable. I could make it wait.
When I heard the crunch of the lock I knew I’d fucked it. Before his flatmate could see us we shuffled to either end of the sofa. The arrival of another reminded us of the outside judgment we’d receive if this were to happen. My friend looked at his watch, said it was getting late. I said yeah, I should probably get going and loaded up Uber. The two of them walked into the kitchen to put on some instant noodles. I hugged them when the car was one minute away.
Except I don’t actually believe this is true at all. I don’t think anything is inevitable but rather becomes so due to moments like the one we almost had. The two of you collide and it recontexualises your relationship so that you begin to see different possibilities opening up between you both.
annielord8 If there was anything from the start ?! most stories are made up of lies and deceits to make money or use and abuse innocent people
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