Sara Pascoe: I managed to hide my pregnancy from everyone but my cleaner

for them falls quickly into a pattern of “pre-cleaner cleaning”. Preparing the way for the professional, by having a speedy and stressed-out tidy-up. The irony of the situation never dissipates as you rush around hiding your mess from the person you employ because you’re messy.

three years ago, I was five years younger. I was child-less or child-free, who knows? Patricia does, because she’s the one who emptied my bathroom bin of its single-lined pregnancy tests and rearranged the under-sink cabinet to fit the hundreds of ovulation testing kits a year or so later. I lied to myself that Patricia wouldn’t know what they were until one day I overheard her admonishing my dog: “you won’t be so spoiled when mama gets her real baby.

The sharps bin was a not-exactly subtle addition to the kitchen surface, being luminous yellow and decorated in DANGER stickers. My nightmare was anyone except my husband knowing when we undertook an egg transfer, because with basic maths and an absence of pregnancy they would know without my telling them that we had been unsuccessful. I kept waiting for Patricia to tell the dog that he’d be on cheaper dog food now that “mama” was spending her life savings on liquid hormones down the clinic.

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