I'll answer call to be Minister for Abolishing Wokery with my 20-point plan

4, Cancel culture will be cancelled, by law. The only exception will be for The Guardian newspaper which will be closed as punishment for their founder being a slave-owner. Of course, their staff are so insufferably woke that they’d actually celebrate being cancelled to assuage their terrible guilt and shame.

5. On the subject of slave-owners, reparations based on slavery crimes committed centuries ago will be prohibited. Why should modern day taxpayers who had nothing to do with slavery, and abhor it, pay money to people who didn’t personally suffer from it? It achieves nothing but fuel more racial division.

6. Publishing house staff who try to ‘revise’ classic books in English literature to make them ‘less offensive’ will be made to work exclusively on editing7. All trans women athletes will be prohibited from competing against biological females in any sport. They can either compete against biological men, or in a new category of their own. Enough of this unfair assault on women’s rights.

8. Universities who de-platform speakers because snowflake students bleat about feeling ‘unsafe’ will have all government funding removed.10. Vegan and vegetarian food firms will be stopped from using meat language to sell their products. No more ‘vegan sausage rolls’ for you, my pasty-faced, green-haired chums. Market your tasteless gruel as actual tasteless gruel, then see how you get on.

11. Cultural appropriation, wokery’s most absurd phenomenon, will be made mandatory. Every British citizen will be obliged to post a photo of themselves copying or mimicking another country’s fashion, food or speaking style, at least once a year, and it will be renamed ‘cultural sharing and celebration.’

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