I could barely look at my baby after his traumatic birth and my fiancé thought about leaving me:...

. 'There's blood splattering all over the curtain': Read Louise Thompson describe her childbirth ordeal in the. Louise speaks to YOU magazine about her fight for survivalIt's funny how a chance conversation with a stranger can flip your perspective. Last June I'd just landed in St Lucia with my partner, Ryan Libbey, and our one-year-old son Leo.

My mother is a property developer and has always been a fiercely independent perfectionist. I believe she developed a self-sufficient attitude owing to her own upbringing, and that way of thinking seemed to trickle down into our childhood too. She wasn't the most sensitive parent. I was plunged straight into a love triangle situation with Spencer and Caggie Dunlop. One week strangers online would be lauding me, the next they'd be calling me a 'poison dwarf' and sending me death threats.

Everything changed when Instagram took off. What began as a fun hobby sharing pictures morphed into a lucrative career. As I described in You magazine yesterday, his birth was catastrophic. I'm narrow, with a tiny pelvis, and had a baby with a larger-sized head. He was never getting out naturally. I thought about taking my own life. If I heard a Tube train going past, I'd imagine myself walking in front of it. If things stayed as they were, I had no future — but there was no manual for how to live again. Being back at home was unspeakably awful. I was scared of my own baby — this tiny, helpless little thing — and I would distance myself from him as much as possible.

I used to cry hysterically to Ryan that I wanted to get better for Leo. What's crazy is I didn't actually feel it, but I wanted Ryan to think I was a decent human and mother. I had been the breadwinner but now was unable to work and there were huge worries around our finances. Ryan has admitted the experience turned him into an angry person. Angry at the world, angry at the hospital. He even said it made him angry at Leo. Not that any of it was Leo's fault, but as a newborn, he was so demanding at a time when Ryan couldn't think straight. Understandably, Ryan's mental health suffered as a result.

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