The first time it happened I was devastated; my sense of self shattered. It had taken my husband and I around eight months to conceive which, at the time, felt like an eternity. I was delighted – and also a little nervous – as I watched those two blue lines slowly emerge on the testing strip. For the next few weeks I took test after test and was comforted by the repeated appearance of watery, inky symbols.
Although motherhood is never easy, I thrived in my new role and my new-found confidence spilled over into other areas of my life, leading to me landing the job of my dreams – a permanent university lectureship. When my daughter turned three, we decided it was time to try for a sibling for her. Given how long it took us to conceive previously, I was slightly shocked to find myself pregnant just three months later. I felt quietly confident but also a little apprehensive.
But just over three months later I realised my period was late. I took another test – it was positive. At six weeks pregnant, I could no longer bear the uncertainty so rang up the community clinic to enquire about a private scan . Later that week I felt that familiar ache in my side. After two inconclusive scans, I finally had one that was conclusive: there had been no further development. My pregnancy was not viable.
I opted for ‘surgical management of miscarriage’: I wanted things sorted quickly. I think I’d become somewhat desensitised; I felt no sadness or anger until I was handed my appointment card. I had envisaged having my operation in familiar surroundings, in the hospital in which my daughter, and myself before her, was born. But I was being sent to an out of town hospital that I’d never set foot in before – and I completely lost it.
That was two weeks ago. The surgery went well and I was lecturing to 80 fresh-faced students a week later. A fortnight on, I am unsure about the prospect of trying again. I’m not convinced that I want to put myself, my husband, and my family through another pregnancy. My boss and colleagues have been great, but I worry that their compassion and patience will wear thin if I keep missing marking deadlines and fail to deliver my next book on time.
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