A letter writer feels stuck between being empathetic to their husband and his abusive behavior.
I notice that your advice routinely seems to recommend extreme empathy. I am very empathetic by nature. So, empathy is my routine approach. I am in a long-term relationship that has required me to censor severely any statements about my own feelings. My husband has even asked me to agree in writing never to use any words with negative connotations — which he assesses after I use them, with the connotations chosen from online definitions he finds — to refer to his actions or statements.
When do I get to stand up for myself? When do I get to say, “This is not okay”? Where does “genuine curiosity” stop? It is just plain not going to change his behavior. I know he does not want to think of himself as a bad person and he does not intend to be a bad person, but he says awful things and treats me badly.
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