Tim Dowling: I’m huge in Ireland, but the cat couldn’t care less

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Invasive feline attention has left me seriously sleep-deprived, but I have appointments with Irish radio – and my wife’s diary

t is 11.30am and I am sitting in my office shed, yawning. I have not slept well, because the cat’s attentions have reached a new level of intensity: it leaps on to the bed at 3am and wakes me by blocking my nostrils with its paw. When I pretend to remain asleep, it tries to push my eyelids up, one and then the other. This is ridiculously invasive, but the cat seems to understand that at this hour I will not cry out and risk waking my wife.“Please fuck off,” I whisper.

My wife reviews some dates we’ve already agreed, then reminds me of a dinner party she never told me about“Hard to tell,” I say, “because it always ends with them hanging up on you.”“Are we doing that now?” I say. “I’m so tired!”“I usually like to decompress after I’ve been on Irish radio,” I say, retrieving my black diary from underneath a pile of papers. “But fine, I’m a professional, so whatever.

 

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