My wife has put on weight and I’m no longer attracted to her. What should I do?

‘Nobody tries to hide their body away and recoils from touch more surely than someone who can smell their partner’s contempt,’ writes Eleanor Gordon-Smith. Painting: Au café, dit l’Absinthe by Jean Beraud.‘Nobody tries to hide their body away and recoils from touch more surely than someone who can smell their partner’s contempt,’ writes Eleanor Gordon-Smith. Painting: Au café, dit l’Absinthe by Jean Beraud.

Long-term monogamy asks us to find one person attractive, instead of all others, in perpetuity. This is hard. We all change as we age, and maintaining a marriage will – if we’re lucky! – mean we’re still excluding all others when we’re liver-spotted and all out of collagen. Attraction shifts a lot in the intervening decades, and it’s OK to struggle with those transitions.You say you feel “disgusted” and “not respected”.

What if she someday feels disgusted and disrespected by your greying hair, your wrinkling skin, your loss of muscle? That’s true even purely from the standpoint of self-interest, too. Nobody is a bigger freak in the sheets and more excited to invest in attractiveness than somebody who thinks their partner worships them. And nobody tries to hide their body away and recoils from touch more surely than someone who can smell their partner’s contempt.

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