‘I expected an LP, but it was a watercolour map of Melbourne’ – the Christmas present I’ll never forget

ven though I was excited about them at the time, I can’t remember most of mypresents. I either lost them, ate them or grew out of them. But I’ll never forget the painting my late grandmother gave me when I was 10.

Grandma was artsy. Even bedtime was an adventure into her creative mind. She would tell my brother and me stories about four friendly dinosaurs, Hat, Skat, Minto and Bongo, who we would visit from our back yard through a secret tunnel. She weaved these yarns until our eyelids grew heavy, then she would take our heads, lift them and punch our pillows, creating a “magic hole” where worries and other night terrors couldn’t reach us, then lay down our heads to rest.

Even though she was a scouser from a council estate, you couldn’t tell if you met her unless you made her cross – which, as a certified little bastard, I often did. Then it was if Ricky Tomlinson had commandeered her vocal cords. “Why, you little shyster!” she’d scream as I did something unspeakably naughty, such as climb into the boot of her car when she was driving, making her think I’d gone missing until I burst out from the boot when she opened it to retrieve her shopping.

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