‘I can only love 100% or 0%’: Chris Packham on navigating a neurodiverse relationship

‘If I had met Charlotte when I was younger, there is every chance that the relationship would have failed’ … Chris Packham and Charlotte Corney.‘If I had met Charlotte when I was younger, there is every chance that the relationship would have failed’ … Chris Packham and Charlotte Corney.I can’t love Charlotte 99.9%. That doesn’t exist in my world. I can only offer Charlotte 100% of myself – or 0%.

My relationship of 17 years with Charlotte is different because of basic maturity. If I had met Charlotte when I was younger, there is every chance that the relationship would have failed and that would have been my fault. Chris’s reaction when I talk about having more quality time together is simplistic. He thinks of it in terms of a hierarchy of needs alongside all the other demands on his time. I see it as an actual need – not just for me but for the relationship. But because Chris doesn’t need it himself, it feels like he has no desire to put me or us at that level of importance.

I’ve had to reconsider a lot of the basic expectations of neurotypical relationships – that you’re on time to meet each other, you text each other during the day or that you remember anniversaries and birthdays. Rox simply can’t do any of this, so if I held on to the belief that she needed to show her love for me in these specific ways, I would be setting her up to fail.

I’ve had to work really hard on being honest with myself and with Rich, because if I’m pretending it’s all under control, I’m guaranteed to mess up, and then that’s going to be upsetting for Rich. My ADHD brings a lot of positivity to our relationship: I have such zest for life, so much energy. I’m constantly thinking of amazing, random things we can do together. There is so much joy to be found in delusional thinking. My hyperfocus can be a superpower because my motivation to have fun and be happy with Rich is awesome.‘There are a lot of positive sides to being in a relationship with someone with ADHD’ … Aidan and Batou.

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