How to care for yourself while you’re caring for an ageing parent

Once a quarter, Bich Le, 52, moves into her father’s guest room for three weeks. The healthcare executive is one of five siblings who take turns caring for their widowed 90-year-old father, who has lung cancer and requires constant assistance. While she’s away from home, she will miss her daughter’s high school formal.

Caregiving can be fraught. And factors like financial strain and isolation can add to psychological distress. In a 2017 survey of 1081 caregivers conducted by the American Association of Retired Persons, 51 per cent of respondents reported feeling worried or stressed. But there was a surprising upside: The majority – 91 per cent – also reported feeling pleased that they were able to help.

“Somebody saying, ‘You need to take care of yourself’ suggests that person doesn’t actually know what it’s like to be a family caregiver,” says Anne Tumlinson, a health care consultant who founded The Daughterhood, a free online community for caregivers. “As a practical matter, there’s only so much you can do.”The Rev. Nicholas Sollom, a chaplain at Yale New Haven Hospital in Connecticut, isn’t a fan of any relaxation rituals that create new tasks.

Many caregivers create their own support networks, says Sollom, adding that it’s ideal to find a crew of low-drama, reliable people “who you know you can call at 4am in the morning”. Scott Klace, 63, has been a primary caregiver for his mother-in-law, who has dementia, since she moved in with him and his wife last year. His mother-in-law recently started attending an adult day care centre twice a week. When asked what he’ll do with the free time, Klace initially seemed perplexed. “Maybe take the dog to the park? I don’t even know what I’ll do,” he says.

If the person you care for can’t be alone, arrange for someone to be with them while you’re away. Ideally, you might find a family member, friend or neighbor who can step in at a set time each week, he said.

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