As a doctor, how often does a family member or friend ask: “I’ve got this little thing bothering me and wonder if you’d mind taking a look?”They used to, but the further away I’ve got from it, the less they trust me. I still had my prescription pad until about 10 years ago. It used to be that you could pay to be on the register, which I did, but it wasn’t very much. I used to just prescribe antibiotics for sore throats and stuff. Then they changed the rules, the spoilsports.
I had this idea for a live show that had no language so it could play all around the world – a physical funny comedy. I thought: “Well, cavemen don’t have language.” The idea was I wouldn’t be in it – here we go again – but they said: “Oh, no, you’d have to be, otherwise, you won’t sell any tickets.” I thought: “Right, I’ll have a go myself.” I did a 40-minute version where I emerged from behind this cardboard rock I’d made out of a massive TV box, with fake teeth and this Max Wall hairdo.
After about 30 minutes, there were a few laughs, so I went away and rewrote it, and did an hour-long version that went so fabulously well I thought the audience were deliberately winding me up to give me false hope. The next gig was going to be Monday but my daughter was sent home from school with a “persistent dry cough”. Does that ring a bell? It was lockdown. I thought I’d go and film it instead, which was on topic as it’s about isolation and loneliness.
I was offered the part of Benny Hill. I was offered a musical recently, which I thought was really good and would have been really funny, but I don’t think I could face the same thing over and over again. Plus, if I’m being honest, I don’t like sharing the spotlight. Bond – maybe I could have played Q, when Bond used to be a bit more camp. Now, with the move towards realism, that’s not such good news for Harry Hill, the actor. I did recently do the best job I’ve ever been offered.
On Junior Bake Off, one joke was that I was to get hit by an 8ft inflatable ball covered in carrier bags. I can’t quite remember why. The producer said: “Why don’t you roll on top of the ball down the middle of the tent?” I really went for it, but when I got on top of the ball, I looked down and thought: “I’m going to fall 8ft on my head and die.” I turned my body, smashed my shoulder and had to go to A&E.
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