An open letter to Gina Rinehart, from Queen Victoria (who loved her beer)

May I presume to call you Gina? I feel as though I know you already, as we have so much in common. Single-handedly running empires, which iseasy, surrounded by the obsequious, the resentful, and the ignorant, continually disappointed if not enraged by our children and, frankly, often misunderstood.

Which is why I am writing to you. I have some advice. Look, I am the first to say I look just dreadful in portraits. All of them. God knows I tried. My half-sister Feodora used to try to reassure me that I looked all right, but I do have eyes in my head. I remember how comforting it was when my prime minister told me on the cusp of my wedding – after I expressed nerves about how I might look – that I had been described as having a “large searching eye” and “an open anxious nostril”.

I mean, have a look at some of the hundreds of my statues, dotted about the place. They didn’t capture me looking happy and winsome, did they? Nor do they hearken back to the days I was fit and limber, horse-riding all day then dancing all night. No, I stand stern and stout, on plinths all around the world, on dusty mounds, street corners, overlooking palaces and parks, like I’m perennially displeased with what I see. Which, in truth, I often am.

My real problem with slimming medication is loss of appetite and I am of Hanoverian stock. I don’t know if I trust people who don’t have sizeable appetites, do you? Food is one thing that reliably brings me great joy.

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