After Lucy’s daughter died suddenly, she discovered a new way to grieve

Dr Lucy Hone was well versed in grief. After completing a master’s in resilience psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, the New Zealander arrived home just before the 2011 Christchurch earthquakes. She immediately set to work helping residents foster resilience in the wake of such devastation.

It was the Queen’s Birthday weekend and Lucy, her husband and their three children went away with three other families. As they were heading off, Abi, her 12-year-old daughter, made a last-minute decision to hop in the car with her friend Ella, and Ella’s mum, Sally. After losing her daughter, experts told Lucy about the five stages of grief and suggested she could expect to “write off” five years of her life to the process.She was “appalled” by this bleak picture and passive approach to grief. Instead, she was desperate to discover how she could help herself grieve.

The first step, she says, is cultivating hope. “That’s a really essential ingredient of resilience: the belief that you will get through this somehow.”Once Lucy affirmed that belief, she knew she needed to actively choose where to pour her attention. For her, that meant focusing on her two sons, and keeping her family together. “I was determined to focus my attention on what I had, not what I’d lost.

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