MISSOULA, MT—Despite extensive evidence collected over the course of the evening, a study conducted Wednesday was officially deemed inconclusive after it failed to identify whose water glass belonged to whom.
Experts claimed that despite rigorous inquiries into matters such as “Whose is that?” and “Is that mine?” the resulting data proved too inconsistent to determine whose nearly full water glass was whose at a lively get-together among friends. Study participants were reportedly subjected to repeated lines of questioning into who had drunk how much of their water, how many ice cubes theirs had, and whether they had moved around the table to talk to others.
In addition, a rigorous analysis of lip marks was performed, comparing the shapes and patterns upon each glass to the lips of individuals present. The participants stated that by the end of the evening, they no longer cared and simply drank from whichever glass was currently closest to them, irreversibly contaminating the data and rendering future studies unlikely. Experts did, however, confirm with 100% certainty that the one with vodka in it had to be their friend Morgan’s.
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