When My 3-Year-Old Asked Me Why She Has a Disability

My daughter Eva is 3 years old and always seems to be looking for exceptions to the rules. “Why can you stay up and I have to go to bed?” Or “Why don’t men wear shirts when they are running and women do?”

“Why do my friends get to stay and play outside and I have to go to therapy?” she asked. And my heart fell. I realized that although we had been going to occupational therapy regularly since she was 6 weeks old, we had never told her why.If I’m honest, I was avoiding the conversation. You know that book, “On the Night You Were Born”? It’s beautiful, but I admit, I only read it to her once before I tearfully put it back on the shelf never wanting to open it again. The book was a baby shower gift, after all, one I didn’t want to throw away just because it made me feel sad.

If I ignored it, Eva might feel dismissed. If I chose the wrong words, their impact might be hard to undo later. Toddlers seem always to find the wrong statement to hang onto like an empty lollipop stick.Me: “You know how some kids skin their knees on the playground and other children don’t?”Me: “Well, some babies are born healthy and some get hurt when they are born. You got hurt.”Me: “I don’t know, honey. But I do know that no one wanted you to get hurt.

For those who may wonder why I don’t point out children with more involved conditions than her — whom she sees at her appointments — it’s because I don’t believe these comparisons are fair to either child. I wouldn’t want a healthy child using Eva as a reason to be grateful for what he or she has. Eva’s self-acceptance and gratitude for who she is and what she has must come from within, not as a result of misplaced pity or uninformed judgement about someone else’s life.

Her therapist tells her that even if we are sad, we still want Leftie to get better. And I tell her that we think she is wonderful just as she is. I make a mental note to tell her this more often.

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