As a family therapist for more than 25 years, Terrence Real sees how often couples fail to compromise or repair damage when things go awry. In his new book Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, he argues it is because we’ve created “a toxic culture of individualism.” We know relationships are hard work, says Real, who has counseled thousands of couples across the country, including Bruce Springsteen and his wife, Patti Scialfa. “But we don’t know how to deal with that.
A: Wise adults are present-based. They’re not flooded with the past and can see things clearly. They have the capacity to see the whole of the relationship. They have the capacity to stop and reflect and choose. Q: This seems especially hard work given your theory that we marry our unfinished business. What do you mean by that?
Q: As for repair, you write a lot about what that can look like, including with some lines that would be good refrigerator magnets for couples: “I’m sorry you felt bad. I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. Is there anything I can do now that would help you feel better?” That word “now” feels key.
A: It looks like damn hard work. It’s moment to moment. When my automatic reactivity is flooding over me, am I going to act it out, or am I going to take a break, take a walk, splash some water on my face, talk to my little boy inside me, do some meditation, get centred in that part of you that wants to make repair? And, in that moment, we can literally change the legacy. People talk about the American dream, in which your kids have a better life than you do.
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