Jealousy doesn’t have to ruin a friendship

But Mr Bergeson’s splurge didn’t reflect a slavish devotion to basketball; he opened his wallet because he felt insecure about his languishing relationship with his friend, who he perceived to be getting closer to a new group of people.

This fear of being replaced is often borne out of jealousy, Dr Krems said. And one way to cope with it, she added, is by doing something social scientists refer to as friend guarding — actions like excessively praising a friend or cutting down a new rival, for example — to maintain a threatened relationship.

On the contrary, Dr Kirmayer said. When handled correctly, jealousy can lead to a deeper understanding of yourself, and as a result, more fulfilling friendships. Here’s how.Feelings of fear, anger and jealousy often make people uncomfortable, but like all emotions, they evolved to protect well-being, said Dr Mark Leary, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University. “Negative emotions alert us to potential danger and motivate us to take pre-emptive action.

Identifying the origins of your feelings can also help you pinpoint potential triggers that may make jealousy worse. If you’re already second-guessing yourself at work, for instance, you might assume a turned down dinner invitation is a sign of a friend pulling away. In other instances, unhealed wounds from childhood — growing up with inconsistent caregivers, for example — can make you more sensitive to rejection as an adult.

When Ms Joli Hamilton’s close friend planned a party without her, she was overcome with jealousy. “I found out through mutual friends and the rejection really stung,” said Ms Hamilton, 45, a relationship coach in Westfield, Mass. Unlike with romantic relationships, we rarely ask ourselves, “What should I expect out of a really good friendship?” Dr Leary said. But stating your needs and developing boundaries can solidify trust, which helps build more mature friendships.When jealousy swells, it can be easy to assume there’s something wrong with you. But in most cases, this is far from the truth.

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