I was not supposed to say, “I feel fine, thank you. Never been better. I’m okay.” It was not the usual greeting. My doctor, my second psychiatrist in three years, meant: how’s my mood; do the medications work well; or do you feel any different.It was June 4, 2013. After undergoing a series of tests and evaluation, I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and dysthymia. I was taking medication and psychotherapy for three years until I was able to manage my symptoms.
The COVID-19 pandemic is just one of the causes of depression; it even brought about a rise in suicides during recent months. In Thailand, where I am based, 38 suicide attempts were recorded, resulting in 28 deaths as of April 25. These statistics do not even include foreigners. Usually, financial problems were seen as the cause that led them to suicide.
Why? We do not want to burden our loved ones with our emotional or mental problems. We are also afraid that our friends and family members would ostracize us. We are afraid that we will be dismissed as “too emotional.” A person living with mental illness also finds it hard to speak about his problems and may talk like this: “Point A” segues to “Point C, F, P” then back to “Point A” then “Point B.” It is irritating, I tell you. Even my loved ones dismissed me for talking like that. And if they can do that, how much more a friend? They would just find it amusing at first, but they can get annoyed later on.When I was having therapy, I just sat there, silent, for a long time.
Most people living with mental illness also feel an indescribable pain. We want to numb our senses just to get away from it. I have a particular medication that whenever I take it, I don’t feel anything. I only do routine activities, like bathing, eating, or working.
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