‘Am I selfish for putting my mental health above my obligations as the family breadwinner?’

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Trigger warning: This article mentions mental illness and depression, which could be triggering to some readers.

I take all the harsh words as I need to stay. I have a maxed-out credit card, a P100,000 bank loan, and my sister is currently studying in an expensive private university. I support both my sisters' allowance and I give daily funds to my mother as she is only a housewife. I've been crying, throwing up as I badly want to resign already. Every day, I get tormented and I get very disappointed with myself. I feel stupid and their degrading words make it worse.

What broke the camel’s back was when I was reprimanded—on microphone—in front of a hundred guests in Baguio City when we had a symposium. My mistake, according to him: I was not beside him when he was presenting and the slide carousel had a glitch. I was not beside him because he told me I was not needed anymore. So I was at the end door of the venue. When I saw that he was in trouble, I dashed to the front to help. He lashed me with unpalatable words. I just took everything in.

At the start of 1995, I started applying for a job in a newspaper based in New Manila. I was called for an interview. And never heard again from them. I applied for a major TV network. It did not reply back. I applied for a new magazine and right away I was called for an interview. I aced the interview. I started working on Feb. 14, 1995.

 

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