My ex made me feel bad about my weight gain – do I need a ‘revenge body’ to date again?

This is not going to be your story. You are not going to try to disappear. You are going to live so fully because you deserve to. You should be proud of yourself for surviving a relationship that made you feel bad about yourself, and for leaving even though the prospect of being alone, of dating, of trying again was daunting. You may not have felt confident leaving this relationship but you don’t need to always feel confident doing something.

He’s wrong. Your weight and body have nothing to do with your worthiness. There will be some people who are attracted to smaller bodies but guess what? Life is long and bodies change, as you know. People who are rigid in their expectations around bodies and value a static, unchanging body type over emotional growth and connection are not your people. You have just learned this.

Sociologist Lauren Berlant has an idea called “cruel optimism”, which refers to a social phenomenon where people become so obsessed with a vision of their future, ideal selves that they prevent themselves from flourishing in the present. Cruel optimism is an obsessive attachment that is impossible, toxic or all-consuming.

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