If you have teens in the house, engaging them in conversation can be a real challenge. First, there are those ever-present headphones. Are they on? Are they off? Do your words reach them as thetrombone sounds of the Charlie Brown teacher? Are you just silently, futilely flapping your lips?
Coor suggested that instead of focusing on how your child measures up, “appreciate their individuality and accept their unique developmental trajectory.” Saying things like this “can also lead to hopelessness because if they are having such a hard go at it now, how much worse will it be when life gets harder, or entails more responsibilities?” Kaminsky added.Not only is this phrase hurtful and likely to rouse your child’s defenses, “it doesn’t offer any information about the impact of their actions or alternatives for what they could’ve done instead,” Coor said.
Instead of dismissing them, you might say, “It looks like you’re upset. Do you want to talk about it?”This can seem counterintuitive. Don’t we want kids to know we think they’re smart? The trouble is, “when kids are told how smart and capable they are, it creates pressure or a standard that they constantly need to strive for — or constantly fall short of,” Anderson said.Instead, compliment how hard they worked on something or how they were able to overcome challenges.
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