2 ways that gaslighting can show up in everyday interactions and undermine intimacy in your relationship, writes swhitbo
, you present an observation as a statement of fact . The S-side assessment makes it clear that you’re stating your own feelings, which may or may not be “true,” but the O-side assessment turns what might be ambiguous in reality into a fact .
Rue began with an S-side assessment, expressing her feelings. Wes flips things back on to her using the O-side assessment of claiming to be true, the fact that she tries too hard. Rue comes back by asserting the validity of her feelings. Wes once again flips things back at the end “noting essentially that while they are her feelings, they are not entitlements to truthful knowing.”
In this detailed analysis of the actual conversations partners had, it seems clear that partners who manipulate behave much like expert tennis players. They serve up the ball, you go for it, thinking it’s heading your way, only to have the ball land just out of reach. The dominant player may even volley for a while, setting you up for thinking that this is going to be an easy game, when all of a sudden your friendly return of the ball precedes the winning stroke. You’ve been set up.
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