Report: All The Good Seashells Taken

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Report: All The Good Seashells Taken
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CORAL GABLES, FL—According to a report released Monday by a group of environmental researchers, all the good seashells worth picking up and bringing home have already been taken, a development that threatens the very future of shell collection regionally.

Data obtained from numerous walks along the beach revealed that where once resided an abundance of good shells more than ideal for crafts or souvenirs, there now exist nothing more than shells totally unsuitable for even the most basic purposes of the hobbyist.

"We saw one that looked really good at first, but then we turned it over and saw it had a huge crack running along the bottom of it," Irizarry added. "I think we just tossed it in the ocean or something.

"None of this changes the fact that the good shells are gone and there's nothing left but blemished, fractured, and just plain weird-looking ones," said Coates, adding that the research team was very briefly excited by what was later determined to be a child's partially buried flip-flop.

When pressed, however, Coates acknowledged there might be enough bits of good shell left to be assembled into a serviceable mosaic.Coates told reporters that she suspected most of the satisfactory shells had been stripped away by aunts with nearby beach houses, while the remainder had been picked up by 14-year-olds with few, if any, friends.

"The good shells have clearly been overcollected," Coates said. "There used to be so many, and we just assumed they'd be around forever.""You'd think we would have learned our lesson when all the good pinecones disappeared," Coates added.

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