This article explores the importance of focusing on how someone makes you feel rather than solely on their perceived attributes or what you think you want in a partner. It draws personal experiences to illustrate how genuine connection and understanding can transcend superficial expectations and lead to fulfilling relationships.
Recently I’ve found myself spending time with someone who isn’t the sort of person I’d imagined myself with. He doesn’t read—actually, he read a few pages of my book Notes on Heartbreak and stopped because it wasn’t his thing. He sometimes comes out with things that mortify me slightly. But at the same time, he’s really kind.
He picks me up from my place in his car because he doesn’t want me to walk in the cold; he makes me dinner when I go over; he’s an actual grown-up in a way a lot of men aren’t. Our differences may prove too much long-term—I don’t know if it will start to frustrate me that he doesn’t want to do any of the things I want to do—but I feel secure but not smothered in a way I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced before. You might think your type is arty guys with mustaches—the sort who DJ and live in draughty warehouse conversions—but those guys might make you miserable. What you think you want is often different from what you need. On apps, you don’t look at people as a whole, but as lists of traits they’re selling to you. It makes us consider each other in terms of ticked boxes. Try to think more about how the people you date make you feel. If he wanted to, he would This year I’ve been lucky enough to have someone really like me, the sort of liking where their friends keep coming up to you on nights out and asking how you feel about them. The sort of liking where you don’t need to check if they’ve seen your Instagram Story because you know they will have. I knew I could do or say almost anything, and it wouldn’t change how he felt about me. In a weird way, it panicked me, and I wondered whether I’d let myself go if I was with him. He didn’t like me because I’m funny, or because my boobs sit nicely without a bra; he liked me just because he did—and I wasn’t sure I was ready for that (which is a whole other thing entirely)
RELATIONSHIPS DATING FEELINGS EXPECTATIONS COMMUNICATION
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