“He texted me to ask me out to coffee... I want to say yes.”
You solved your own problem at the end of your message — you do indeed need to talk! What's happening right now is a breakdown in communication between the two of you, and it sounds like you both own some of the responsibility for it. He's hiding his coke use from you instead of being honest, and you're snooping through his phone to get answers instead of asking him directly.
So, let's talk about how to approach that conversation with your fiancé. I think you need to be forthright about everything you've discovered, which should involve admitting to snooping through his phone. It's not clear from your DM what prompted you to snoop in the first place — whether you had a specific concern that he was using drugs, or were just curious about what you might find in his texts.
Ultimately, it should be up to every adult to understand the risks of a particular substance and make their own decision about whether or not to take it. But I think it's good for couples to be generally aligned on that stuff — not because you have to indulge in the same vices as your partner , but because you will usually end up having some proximity to whatever substances your partner is taking.
The second question is: Are either one of you willing to compromise on your current position? As it stands, you want a relationship free of cocaine, and he wants to do cocaine. One of those things has to give, or your relationship will.
If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, you can call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP and find more resourcesGot a problem you want solved in this column? DM me! My inbox is always open. Just read the fine print below first.All DMs sent to me are for publication on BuzzFeed only. I do not respond to individual messages or provide any advice one-on-one. Please don't submit a question unless you want it published on BuzzFeed.
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