Dear Care and Feeding: She is completely devoted to not being productive.
My spouse and I gave her some time to reacclimate to being home but then told her she needed to be taking local classes, working, or volunteering. In the several months that she has lived at home, she hasn’t seriously looked for a job . My spouse lined up a 20-hour-per-week volunteer gig at a hospital thrift store. My daughter refused to go back after the first day because she reported an aversive feeling to touching fabric . She also did not enroll in the local community college.
Of course, this sounds like depression or some other mental health issue. She is in counseling and has a psychiatrist. It’s frustrating because she has the energy to walk several miles to visit friends but not for work. How do we handle this adult now going on four months of not doing anything productive? I can’t let her basically continue to hang out with friends all night and sleep all day without progressing into adulthood.
In the meantime, I think it’s reasonable to set a deadline for her to make a positive change in her life. As you said, that could be anything other than sitting around the house posting on social media and using drugs. I would suggest a three-month deadline to find a job—and if entry-level jobs are as plentiful as you say, that should be pretty easy for her to do.
If she refuses for whatever reason, then you may have to take the “tough love” approach and tell her to move out. Yes, I know that’s a heartbreaking scenario, but what’s the alternative? Have her live an unproductive life under your roof for the unforeseen future? As one of my mentors once told me, “You never know how strong you can be until being strong is your only option.” At some point you may have to take off the floatation device and push her into the deep end of the pool.
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