“We see binding commitments as confining, and, therefore limiting — which means we must squeeze as much life, as much self-realization, into our unmarried years as possible”
Photo: Tolgart/Getty Images/iStockphoto We met in the middle of July, three weeks after I had moved back to Minneapolis. Tim, the Scandi-hip bassist of a local band my friends and I were into, stood stage right, his blond hair pushed aside above his nerdy, rectangular glasses. Equal parts starstruck and presumptuous, I was determined to make him like me, to use the easy thrill of a summer fling to distract me from the pain of my mom’s death and the recent, sudden end of a serious relationship.
And I did have a lot going on — too much, I thought, to impose on this sweet, unsuspecting musician. On top of the anxiety pummeling me day to day, I was a 22-year-old working part-time at my local Ann Taylor Loft, cushioning my ballooning credit card debt and student loan payment with a nanny job. Without insurance, I couldn’t afford therapy, so I drank cheap Riesling and maxed out my J.Crew card instead of facing my insecurity head on.
I was, however, surprised by the out-of-proportion level of anxiety it provoked in me. I had just gotten comfortable with the idea of being someone’s girlfriend, a low-level commitment I was beginning to think I could handle . But marriage. That seemed unwise. That seemed like a trap. In March, Tim and I road-tripped from Minnesota to Texas to visit my best friend, Rachel, who had been next to me when I found out my mom died, when I moved to Oklahoma to be closer to my ex, and after he broke up with me. Something about intersecting these two parts of my life — my new-ish boyfriend and the best friend who had shouldered so many of my burdens — emboldened me, reminding me who I was and what I loved. And I loved Tim.
Before Tim, I dated guys who were loud and opinionated — carbon copies of myself who, in turn, left no room for me to be who I was. I thought I needed, and deserved, a partner who silenced me, who took the reins on my unkempt personality. But Tim did the opposite. He made room for me to be who I was, encouraging me to feel what I felt and say what I meant. He was stable when I was erratic, logical when I was emotional, grounded when I was anxious. And it turned out to be a gift.
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