What behaviors and tendencies make people seem "high maintenance," and how can we manage these behaviors and tendencies—both with others and within ourselves?
A wide variety of interactions can be labeled "high maintenance"; the label doesn't have a single set meaning. When dealing with someone high maintenance, we need to identify which tendencies require undue attention.
Improving high maintenance interactions requires self-awareness, clear boundaries, and recognizing benefits. Well into middle-age, I was surprised to find out that I was considered “high maintenance. ” I don't see myself as needy or dramatic or critical or demanding ofAfter an initial self-assessment, I realized the truth of this observation. I pack heavy for trips, wanting distinctive, fashionable clothing that easily accommodates uncertain weather.
I want the perfect table at a restaurant and the best seats at a show, or else my enjoyment will be compromised. I spend time arranging medical appointments, professional meetings, and even friendly gatherings so they fit comfortably into my personal schedule. We all need more maintenance as we age, but these behaviors go well beyond that.
“High maintenance” is a general description for individuals who demand considerable attention, effort, or emotional resources. But the concept of high maintenance is complex, arising from different sources and appearing in different forms. It can be a combination of a few tendencies and behaviors, or just one, in abundance. The main complexity is that the concept of high maintenance is multifaceted.
Requiring frequent reassurance, approval, compliments, and recognition, heavily relying on others for emotional support and validationConsistently expressing dissatisfaction and criticismSeeking luxury or premium experiences, which can strain finances and valuesShowing emotional sensitivity by reacting strongly to criticism or perceived slights Steadfastly resisting change or compromise, while becoming distressed when specific preferences or expectations are not met Wide, quick, and widely-projected mood swings, with the expectation that others’ moods also swing in the same wayBefore addressing and improving high maintenance interactions, we must first identify which tendency or set of behaviors requires undue attention. Just one of the listed tendencies can lead to high maintenance interactions if taken to a dogged extreme.
Interacting with someone who relentlessly seeks perfection will exhaust our emotional reserves, while also exhausting the reserves of the perfectionist. A friend who treats us like a therapist will narrow and redefine theOf course, many of us engage in these behaviors on occasion. It’s the dominance and persistence that makes the difference. Once we identify a persistent tendency that drains our resources, we need to communicate our limits diplomatically and precisely—even quantitatively, especially with time and money.
Perhaps we can listen to a specific complaint for twenty minutes, and then we need to change the subject. Boundaries should be established as soon as possible once high maintenance actions are identified. Without such boundaries, friends and romantic partners of high maintenance individuals often feel drained and overwhelmed. This applies to financial boundaries as well as emotional boundaries.
Burke proposes that if students are persistently conscientious, that does not mean they will be considered high maintenance. If they are also agreeable, they are thought of as low maintenance. If students are very conscientious butagreeable, then they are considered high maintenance. We can apply this message to ourselves as well. If we are very conscientious, then we should be agreeable to ourselves, which translates into beingOften, high maintenance individuals are not aware of their very persistent actions or how their actions distress others. I wasn’t aware of how my determined attention to detail affected others, and it helped to have others encourage focused self-reflection about this.
And while encouraging others to reflect, we can also consider our own responses to a high maintenance person and strive to better understand why a particular tendency distresses us so much. While focusing on someone else’s persistent tendencies, we should not be persistent ourselves. If a friend or loved one needs a lot of reassurance, we can endeavor to balance approval and support with encouragement of independence. Reducing the rigidity that underlies high maintenance tendencies is difficult.
As with yoga, new positions cannot be forced. They need to be eased into. Moderating a high maintenance person who’s especially inflexible requires commitment and patience.. It mainly refers to elevated demands and expectations that require extra care or consideration.
Although high maintenance people are often difficult and sometimes overwhelming, they also have characteristics that are appealing and draw us to them. Rather than encouraging a person to shed conscientiousness or pickiness, for example, we can consider helping that person become more agreeable. After all, there are also favorable terms for attention to detail or pickiness, such as expert, connoisseur, discerning, or having high standards.
When managing interactions with a high maintenance individual, we can look for rational justifications for a persistent tendency and then develop our understanding of this tendency. For example, conscientious attention to detail is necessary when writing a book—or a Finkel, E. J., Campbell, W. K., & Brunell, A. B. . High-maintenance interaction and self-regulation. There was a problem adding your email address.
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