For Roxane Gay, the victories of quarantine cooking are bittersweet.
Beef Wellington is a strange and incredibly labor-intensive dish to prepare—tenderloin wrapped in duxelles wrapped in prosciutto wrapped in puff pastry. When I attempted Gordon Ramsay’s recipe after years of listening to him bellow about the dish on, I also endeavored to make my own puff pastry because surely that was feasible. Puff pastry comes from somewhere, after all.
I have long enjoyed cooking, but during this pandemic, with a great deal of unstructured time on my hands and anxious energy to burn, I have taken to cooking and baking the most elaborate dishes, making every component from scratch, and carefully documenting the experience with my phone’s camera—partly for myself, and partly to post on Instagram, where unsolicited advisers do not hesitate to tell me when something looks ugly or explain how I am “doing it wrong.
Having all this time to spend in the kitchen is bittersweet. I needed it because I was hurtling toward burnout, but I am still restless with nowhere to go, nowhere to be. I have the same amount of work but less pressure to contort myself to get that work done, and without that pressure, I don’t know how to function. Instead, the days stretch out, seemingly endless, my time my own to do with as I please.
It is an immense privilege, and one I do not take for granted, having access to fresh food, having the money to buy it, having the leisure to track down ingredients, and the time to cook.
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