I don’t want this to be the first day of the rest of my life.
I quit drinking two years ago because it got inexcusably bad. What I’ve struggled with is the pressure to deny the intellectual, social, and aesthetic pleasure I got from alcohol. Often, sobriety culture implies that I wasted my time in the boozing life, and I feel quite differently. Alcohol was once a regular, important component of my life, but I was paying attention. I savored the good stuff; I had a healthy relationship with booze for a much longer time than it was unhealthy.
Even with all my good sobriety and plastic chips and being warmed by my Higher Power’s embrace, that still wasn’t replacing the joy and comfort I used to associate with drinking and, in my case, drugs. Because drugsprovide me with some extraordinary, life-changing, firework-eyed nights similar to the ones you’re reminiscing about. There were plenty of incredible concerts and holiday parties and summer BBQs I was completely shit-faced at that I can still smile about without guilt or regret.
It sounds like you chose to stop drinking because it was no longer enhancing your life and became more of a burden, and, as you plainly stated, your drinking behavior became “inexcusably bad.
The context here was that Carr was suggesting that no one should read “junkie memoirs” in early sobriety because there isn’t enough distance between your worst moments and your new sobriety yet. You have times when you miss booze, are still figuring out your new life … and maybe you no longer see those worst moments as cause for your continued abstinence. So to wit: If you dwell too much on the past and worry about the future, you’ll piss on the present, or however that saying goes.
Just don’t feel any shame about your past right now. The exact details of how much of a blacked-out buffoon you were two years ago are no longer important. Instead, allow yourself to believe that if you stick to not drinking, your sober life could have evenof those “happy, healthy memories” and open up your heart and your world to experiences you may have never even thought possible. Your best days are not behind you, so don’t worry about letting the memories slip away.
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