How to be Alternative (in 1993): a glossary and usage guide by GinaFattore from our archives:
In its October 25 cover story on Pearl Jam, Time magazine boldly declared, “Alternative has no strict definition.” Like virtually everything one reads in mainstream newsweeklies, this claim is patently false. As the following glossary and usage guide will demonstrate, it is possible to define “alternative.”
Coffee: Centuries-old beverage made newly popular by clever marketing schemes. The problem with coffee, alternatively speaking, is that it is consumed by so many people in the mainstream. Hint: Right-thinking alternative people can distinguish themselves from mainstream coffee drinkers by drinking lattes and/or double lattes. See also: personal cup.
Goatee: Facial hair popular among employees of coffeehouses, alternative rock musicians, and college students. Message sent by wearer: My girlfriend pays most of the rent. High school: Stultifying American institution. If you were popular in high school, it is virtually impossible for you to be alternative.
Mainstream, The: Commercial culture. As a general rule, the right-thinking alternative person eschews all cultural products generated by monolithic, profit-mongering corporations, including TV, Hollywood movies, glossy magazines, and lavish Broadway musicals. Exception: It is considered acceptable in many alternative circles to watch television–but only if it is watched “ironically.” Suggestion for ironic viewing: The Partridge Family.
Poseur: Any person pretending to be more alternative than he or she actually is. This includes everyone on the North American continent except Neil Young. Tattoo: Indelible mark fixed upon the body by insertion of pigment under the skin; the only fashion statement ever found to be more painful than platform shoes. Message sent by the wearer: This is not a phase. See also: body piercing.
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