DearPrudie: All of his arguments are true.
I’m torn between two things: 1) In a relationship, it’s a bad sign when someone tries to make rules for their spouse and 2) in a relationship, it’s a bad sign when someone doesn’t have any interest at all in adjusting their behavior to make a partner comfortable or happy.
And as for the gambling and staying out super late itself, I hate making calls about what’s “reasonable.” There are some marriages in which an occasional poker all-nighter would be par for the course. And in some, it would be totally unheard of. If I asked the public about your question, tons of people would say, “Absolutely not okay. He’s disrespecting her wishes and needs to come home.” And others would say, “He’s not hurting anyone and she IS being controlling. It’s a red flag for abuse.
The debate you’re having and the issues that underlie it are perfect fodder for couples counseling. As you work through things there, I’d love for you to find some activities that you can agree on doing together. This might nudge each of you toward remembering that you really do want the other person to be happy. Focus on adding joy to your relationship, rather than negotiating a compromise that leaves both of you feeling dissatisfied and misunderstood.The Dear Prudence podcast is back.
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