Carolyn Hax: How to fix low self-esteem so it doesn’t drag down a marriage?

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Carolyn Hax: How to fix low self-esteem so it doesn’t drag down a marriage?
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How does this letter writer stop spiraling into self-loathing, to the point of needing reassurance over minor mistakes?

I have always struggled with self-esteem. I don’t think most people I know are aware of this, as I fake it pretty well and it doesn’t intrude on my thinking that often. But after a social event, I’ll often second-guess everything I said.

I am aware of this dynamic and am working on it specifically, with some success, but how do I change the underlying issue? All the advice I see about feeling better about yourself doesn’t really seem actionable. It’s “be kinder to yourself” and “give yourself the grace you give others.” But isn’t that circular? If I could do that, then I wouldn’t have the problem in the first place.

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