Episode 1: Boss's bright idea enshittifies itself in record time
"I'm going to need you two to sign this," the Boss says sternly, passing a sheet of paper to the PFY and me. "We can't sign it till we know what it's about," the PFY explains.
"For all we know, the moment we sign it, you'll take your pants off. ""What?! " the Boss asks, confused. "This is about technology.
New technology that no one knows about.
""Sign the NDA," the Boss insists. "OK," the Boss says, getting down to business,"QUA-EEE-AD is a new technology, invented by me, that we need to make a demonstration machine for. It combines two current technologies to create a new super technology.
""Yes, see, it's a combination of quantum computers and AI, but the real game-changer is that the revenue stream comes from... ""Who have you been talking to? " I counter, wondering how long it'll be before the guys with the wrap-round jacket come for the Boss. "You took this to the Board?
" the PFY gasps. "A project with more holes than a Swiss cheese wheel on a gun range? " "The Board loved it," the Boss says. "They even approved a special project budget to bring it to proof-of-concept level.
""Well, we've been allocated 20 grand – at this stage. But if we get past the proof of concept stage...
" "And the Board weren't worried that we're not a computing company, you're not an IT savant, and that 20K would likely not even pay for the lead-free, zero-gravity, gold solder that goes into quantum computers? " I ask. "Yes, we worry about hallucinations in AI, but not world leaders. Still, I think the PFY and I could bash together a quick quantum computer as a proof of concept.
We'll likely need the money up front, though...
""Right, so you'll need to get about eight sheets of acrylic sheet, maybe five addressable LED strips, a stack of 5 mm tube and a tube former, a tin of silver spray paint, and a tin of gold spray paint. No, a tin of silver spray paint and TWO tins of gold spray paint.
""And that's... twenty thousand pounds worth of computer? " the Boss asks. "It doesn't look like much. I mean it looks, well, impressive, but twenty thousand pounds...
""Oh, OK. WHAT IS THE SQUARE ROOT OF 81?
""NINE! " I say. "Success. ""Oh.
Right.
" >Tappitytaptaptaptappitytaptappitytappitytapclack<"I just asked it why my radiator at home makes squeaking noises. " "Here we go! " I say, as the screen starts filling up with text . "Radiators can sometimes make unusual noises due to changes in the temperature of the metal, which in turn leads to thermal expansion.
Radiators may also experience rattling and leakage, which might be due to the presence of air bubbles and debris and/or improper installation. For radiator safety, radiators should periodically be cleaned with Fastochy Radiator flush.
"BOFH: All through the house, not a creature was stirring except the homicidal vacuum cleaner"There is no such product. It's a demo of how we could seamlessly insert a subtle product placement into an AI stream – in much the same way political nuance is inserted at the moment. The product placement interface is currently set to 5 out of 10.
""It would be far less subtle. You can actually set it to 11 – for testing purposes – at which point it'll tell you that not using Fastochy will cause the radiator to explode at night, killing you and your family, PLUS it will accelerate global warming, lead to planetary destruction, and the death of our universe.
"An hour later, the Boss is back with the board. "The machine. The quantum power was too much for it. Thermal runaway!
I set Product Placement to 11, but didn't realize that it would place product placements inside product placements inside product placements!
""No," the PFY sighs. "We can't. Well, we could, but we shouldn't. Before it expired, though, it did have time to design the computer that is to come.
""Yes, a more powerful computer whose merest operating parameters it was not worthy to calculate. And yet it desi...
""It may well be," I admit. "Who can tell where it got its inputs from? " "You just wasted 20 grand! " another Board member snaps.
"20 grand of company money. What do you have to say for yourself?
""I'll just need you to sign these NDA forms," the PFY says, before turning his back and loosening his belt.
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