Advice from R. Eric Thomas.
About three years ago, I found out I have a neural immune skin issue where I break out with bumps which scab over and are very sore and painful. About a year ago, this condition broke out on my scalp, and it is not healing and going away.
I have some areas of alopecia, and the sores and scabs are very painful. As a result, the dermatologist prescribed UV light treatment to help my scalp. For this treatment, I cut my hair very short on top of my head, so the UV lights could penetrate through the hair to my scalp. I belong to a breakfast group of cancer survivors, which I joined to support another member of that group who had had breast cancer. I have never had cancer. The thing that’s concerning is that one of the members has told me five times now that I should let my hair grow because it looks better longer. I’ve explained to the group the reason why my hair is short is because of my skin/scalp issue. This does not seem to faze this person who has taken to discussing it with the whole group when I am not there, saying that my hair doesn’t look good short; it looks good longer. She still is directly telling me the same. What can I say to this person to get them to stop talking to me and others about my short hair? It’s really painful each time she says something to me. I like this person and I’m afraid to hurt her feelings. She doesn’t seem to be worried about hurting mine.Try not to worry too much about hurting her feelings, not as a vindictive act but because her feelings in this matter are her responsibility to manage. What’s most important is that you express your needs with respect to how your body is talked about and you confirm you’re being heard.I’d even suggest erring on the side of being a little stern about it. You’ve already explained yourself to her and to the group, something you shouldn’t have to do. That should be the end of it for her. Even if you had no reason for keeping your hair short, it’s frankly none of her business. It’s possible that she’s letting some trauma that she’s worked through come out in her opinions about your hair. But, again, that’s something that she needs to deal with on her own. One-on-one tell her, “I’ve noticed you make a lot of comments about my hair. I find that hurtful and I don’t think it’s appropriate. This is getting in the way of our relationship, so I’m asking you to stop now. Can you respect my feelings about this?” Don’t entertain pushback. The right response from her is “you’re right; I should’ve kept my opinions to myself. I’m sorry.”I am a widow of 10 years, and I have an opportunity to meet with a gentleman who is 80 and would like to have some sort of relationship with me. I don’t want to engage in any kind of sexual activity other than maybe kissing but how do I get that message to him?It’s never too early to communicate your boundaries in a relationship, so I’d suggest telling him directly as soon as feels comfortable. This will set you both up for a healthier and more communicative relationship or will save you from spending time with someone whose values don’t align with yours. You can tell him plainly, just like you did in your letter, “I’m interested in exploring a connection with you, but I am not interested in sexual activity. That’s not a point I’m going to budge on. Is that something that you can respect?” He may have clarifying questions, which is fine, but you don’t need to apologize or engage with a debate with him about it. You’re not asking for his permission. You’re giving him information about where you are in life and inviting him to be a part of that life. If the idea of the conversation gives you pause, you might mediate it by talking on the phone with him first and bringing it up. Whichever format you choose, by talking about where you are and what you want, you also give him a chance to share where he’s coming from. It’s entirely possible that he also doesn’t want a sexual relationship. When we show up in relationships with open communication and authenticity, we start to clear the path for greater respect, greater connection, and greater trust. By telling this gentleman what you need, you also contribute to an environment where it’s safe for both parties to be vulnerable and to make respectful requests.R. Eric Thomas writes the "Asking Eric" column for Tribune Content Agency. He previously wrote at Slate. Send your questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.Kamala Harris tells crowd she is ’thinking about’ 2028 presidential bid
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