AskPolly: 'I’m a 19-year-old gay guy, and I’m finding it impossible to reconcile my desire for a genuine connection with the hypersexualized world of gay culture.' hhavrilesky responds
I’m a 19-year-old gay guy, and I’m finding it impossible to reconcile my desire for a genuine connection with the hypersexualized world of gay culture. The most recent event that’s reflective of this conflict happened just last Tuesday.
Earlier this year, I thought I’d found something real. I gained the confidence to approach a stranger to ask if he wanted to grab a drink with me. To my surprise, he said yes, and we actually began dating. Because we were dating, and because we liked each other, and because he thought I was funny, charming, clever, and handsome , I felt comfortable enough to sleep with him.
Am I really being naïve about holding out for love? I really struggle with the idea of this; for me, kindness is absolutely crucial to what makes a person valuable — this world is already dismal enough, I feel we owe it to each other to be sweet. It’s one of the qualities I’m really proud of, particularly since it’s something I’ve worked hard to become after becoming totally toxic, having gone through an unbelievably difficult part of my life from ages 16 to 18.
But pleeeeeease don’t join the agonizing aunts of the world, who know everything about everything always, who predict darkness then smother the fire, who roll their eyes at earnestness and delight in your comeuppance, who preach from the gospel of suspicion and resent not just hope but the hopeful themselves. Because they’re pulling off the easiest trick in the book. Nothing is difficult or sophisticated or wise about tearing your hair and foretelling doom.
I’ve been alive a lot longer than the perfectly nice young woman you met in that bar — who, by the way, was probably mostly reacting to your story about the guy on Valentine’s Day more than she was trying to lay down a heavy trip about the universe. She was just a boozed-up gal whose words got heavier and more foreboding the more she drank and you listened with those big, watery, gorgeous eyes of yours, blinking like a little lamb with an invitation to a super-cool barbecue in his pocket.
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