The vault is officially open.
"The honest level of hatred I have for myself. The fact that I feel like I am not my own person, and I don’t feel like I deserve to be.
I live my life for my wife and kids, but not for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love them more than anything, and they’re perfect, but it sometimes gets difficult to live and work for everyone else. I endure these bad feelings for them because they deserve a good life, and I want to give them that, even if that means I live my life feeling like nothing more than a ghost.
" "Most of my anxieties and insecurities. I learned long ago that the only thing stopping her from 'spiraling' is that she thinks I have a handle on everything. If she panics and I panic with her, she'll go right past panic into full-on 'hysteria.
'" "How much better we would be doing financially if she had made different decisions. She quit a job without any prospects when I told her to stick it out until she found something, and that led to two years of partial employment and a couple of years of school to change careers.
With mentored time towards a license required after that, she pretty much set us back seven years financially, and because of the changes in the economy and housing market, we can't make the move we had planned on.
" "We've both been sleeping in separate rooms for the past few months since we've both been sick with the flu. It's some of the best sleep I've had since she started snoring super loud many years ago. Once we recover, I don't know if I want to sleep together again.
""I can't tell her how I feel about everything that involves her parents because, in her eyes, her parents feel more like family to her than me. I also can't tell her how much of a hypocrite she is. I confronted her a few times with the approach that we could solve our problems, but she turned it around and used it against me.
Our son is six months old — I don't want him to grow up without a father.
" "When she wants to go out with her girlfriends or away overnight with some friends, she thinks I’m upset I’m not included. In reality, I’m praising the lord for a day or two alone.
""I look forward to the once-a-month, 'I want to go hang out with my friend Sarah' 'Aww, shucks, I guess I’ll go play cards' conversation. I’d go play cards once a week if I could!
" "You know when I tell you you look great, hot, and sexy? Well, that’s only about 5% of the times that I think it. I don’t want to weird you out with how much you turn me on .
" "Deep down, I really just want to be lazy. I don’t want to go to work, cook, change the bedding every week, or find part-time income streams. In my heart, I just want to lounge about, get a bit drunk, and read books or watch YouTube videos. I do as much as possible so that she’s comfortable and happy, but I don’t want to admit that I don’t really WANT to do anything useful.
""I feel this one. What is wrong with me that I largely only feel any gratification when I’m doing things that are completely unproductive, and everything else feels like an imposition? I wish I could get even a modicum of satisfaction from completing a project around the house, running an errand, or cleaning. I’m only happy when I’m sitting on my ass.
""I left my marriage because of a lack of intimacy. It brings out so much emotional damage. You don’t feel loved, and you envision yourself with other people because of it. I'm currently with my new girlfriend, and her libido is sky-high compared to mine.
We just had a son, so it’s slowed down a bit, but I’m not complaining.
" "We know you don’t ever ask us for much, but when you do, you are always walking away and on the other side of the house. We can hear you say you want an 'nhrmhfda,' but we don’t know what an 'nhrmhfda' is.
""My wife loves to play a game where she asks me to put on headphones because she can hear the video game that I'm playing. Then she'll talk to me from the other room and get mad at me because I can't hear her... I'm wearing the headphones that I put on because she asked me to wear them. I haven't quite figured out the rules yet, so I lose frequently.
" "I’m scared of not being able to provide a half-decent life for her and my kids. Life’s getting so expensive and challenging.
""I definitely feel you, brother. I'm scared to even get married because I don't want to go into debt, just trying to put food on the table. I'm only 22, and even I can see significant changes from inflation.
""She once said, 'You radiate emotional energy like the sun puts off light, but when you're in a bad mood or depressed, you can suck all the joy out of the room just by walking through it. ' That hurt quite a lot, and I never told her. I have been avoiding social events with her ever since.
" "When I was married, I had suicidal ideations frequently. When I was in the bathroom for more than 10 minutes, I was crying my eyes out, trying to hold myself together. Crying in front of her got me an earful of grief about not being 'a real man.
' So, I did my crying in the bathroom. " "Also, when I was a stay-at-home dad, we had a two-year-old and a newborn. I was struggling with keeping up with housework, cooking, and all that. She didn't understand why it was so difficult.
One day, she told me, 'If I had hired you for this job, I would have fired you by now.
' A couple of years later, when the kids were older, we switched, and she stayed home. She eventually apologized for what she said to me. I said it was okay, but I never forgave her for that.
""I use, 'When you said X, I heard Y.' For example: 'When you said I don’t feel like having chicken again tonight, I heard I’m sick of your cooking, and 'Why can’t you make better meals? ' Then you have the opportunity to say, “Oh, hun, that isn’t what I meant at all…' If you can both be honest and use this, you will end up having conversations that really help you understand each other’s state of mind at the moment, BEFORE it escalates to saying things that can’t be unheard.
""She is a bit of a 'one-upper. ' I think it comes from insecurities or feeling left out of the conversation. If I notice it, I'll try to bring her back in, but sometimes the random near shouted statement about her win or conquest just brings the conversation and flow to a screeching halt.
" "That she almost ended the relationship. It took years for me to forgive her when she said, 'You’re not a parent, so you don’t know.
' I spent years raising her children as my own. " "Although I do a lot around the house, including all repairs, I’ve let up on a lot of the housework, like loading the dishwasher, and putting plates and pans away. Because if it’s not done EXACTLY the same way she does it, she gets upset and rearranges everything. The kids complain about her doing that, too.
" "We don’t remember exactly what happened on the second date, third date, etc., years later. We were just trying to keep from screwing it up each time. Do I remember walking on Mars for our third date? Of course, honey, how could I forget?
It happened exactly how you just described it to me.
""Literally anything that isn't within the realm of her personal interests. Otherwise, she clarifies that she's not interested in what interests me. Sometimes I do because I can't keep everything to myself forever, but it feels like a child bothering their parents, talking about how cool their toys are.
""I feel this. Her eyes just start to glaze over, and I can see she's mentally checking out. I end the conversation and go do a chore or something. She doesn't ask questions or find gifts that align with my interests.
However, and I'm probably a little bitter, I'm expected to be engaged with her interests and pay attention to the little things, or else she will not feel like I'm bonding with her. It's a little maddening.
" "My wife can’t help but try to give me advice when I open up to her about trauma. One time I opened up to her and took her advice and it shattered my word. I still am dealing with the depression and anxiety of taking her advice. All I want is for her to listen, but she can’t help herself.
I stopped talking to her about it. I tried seeing a therapist, but I couldn’t open up to them. The only time I talked about it, my world came crumbling down, and so I’m scared to do it again. I’m just going to live through life with my thoughts in silence.
Suffering in silence is easiest for me.
" "I'm not married anymore, but I never fully disclosed how truly traumatized I am from my childhood. I told her some things and how it made me feel, but not how deep it goes and how it affects me even today as an adult. I feel like that part is something only I can work through.
" "I’ve been trying to figure out how to bring it back up to her, but I’m still attracted to men from the time I came out as bisexual to her when we were in college. I often crave a romantic relationship with a man, but in the end, I always choose her. It’s been a constant battle in my head and feels like an everyday sacrifice.
I guess the bright side is that I have never, ever been attracted to another woman but her since we’ve been together for 12 years. She’s the perfect woman for me.
""Sometimes I get ADHD rage when I'm overstimulated. I grew up with it, and I've become very good at keeping it under control, but in her words, she's a 'yapper.
' So if I'm working on something like writing, chores, gaming, or driving, I have to mentally step back and see which things I can limit to help my sensory issues chill. But I can never tell her that her voice sometimes makes me want to tell her to stop talking. She is very passionate and very intelligent, so she often info-dumps on me, which 90% of the time I don't mind.
But I struggle with the 10% that fails at multitasking.
" "She's always in the way. If she's in the kitchen when I'm cooking, she's always standing in front of the next place I need to be. If I'm working outside, she's always at the next place I'm going. If I'm fixing something, she's always standing right in front of whatever I'm going to be working on next.
If I'm trying to leave a room, she's always in the doorway. I realize she wants to spend time with me, but I really wish she'd just get out of the way when I'm doing something.
" "My child is legitimately well-behaved, compliant, and enjoyable to be around when she’s not in the home, and it’s just him and me. But when she’s around, he’s combative, whiny, rude, and a little terror.
""When she says she feels like I'm not listening, it's because I'm not. I told her how to solve a certain problem in five minutes with no downsides last week, and I've heard about it enough times that I don't have to listen. I know the next six sentences she's going to say word for word, right down to the hand gestures and facial expression. I'm very abundantly aware that sometimes she just wants to be heard.
What I'm saying is how many times do I have to hear the exact same thing that could easily be solved in five minutes before I'm allowed to suggest something if it bothers her so much?
" "The fact that she won't let me put any of my 'hobby toys' in our shared spaces without it being in an 'approved' location. Meanwhile, the entire house is her canvas for her aesthetic. It makes me feel really lonely and small sometimes, and she doesn't care. It's been a topic of conversation — she just doesn't get that delegating me a tiny shelf isn't the same as letting me actually decorate some.
" "I felt like in the early stages of our relationship, I was utterly convinced she was not the one. In hindsight, I recognize that I had all sorts of unaddressed trauma from childhood that made a safe and stable relationship seem off to me.
" And,"We do have emotions — we just don't feel entitled to express those emotions often . Just asking what they are isn't enough — we have to trust you won't invalidate our feelings. Unless you have some awareness of 'unconditional regard' and nonjudgmental listening, you are very likely to do so.
If your social skills are only about talking without listening, a man is unlikely to actually open up to you .
""I had an ex laugh at me for shaking after being in the middle of a shoot-out. I was literally shaking. I've seen so much violence and stopped a ton of violence. I couldn't tell where the shots were coming from — I hid and then ran.
She laughed at me — a woman who had never seen any real violence in her life. She laughed at me for being scared and mocked me, saying, 'I thought you were so tough, you've been through all this stuff. Look at you shaking like a leaf.
' I've seen and handled worse since then. I could never share with her after that. That basically killed anything I would ever share with her, and she knew everything. "
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