Maverick Life Op-Ed: Seven mood-changers in conversations

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Maverick Life Op-Ed: Seven mood-changers in conversations By Stefan Blom

If you’ve had enough of going around in circles in your intimate conversations and get so lost that you don’t even know what you’re both talking about anymore, consider these seven essential relationship skills to change the mood of your conversations. They might just calm the situation down, and move you in the direction of in-depth understanding.Your focus in a conversation is, firstly, to show interest in your partner’s real experience and, secondly, to understand what they’re saying to you.

It’s often calming to remind yourself that it’s okay to have different perceptions, that how you perceive the world reflects your different identities and that every “problem” does not always need a solution, but just a little acknowledgement that speaks of understanding. At the same time, not every upsetting moment is relevant to your relationship. The golden rule of sharing is that, if you have a thought or feeling that bothers or upsets you, sleep on it. Should you wake up the next day still feeling the same, then, it might indicate that it is relevant to your relationship. The sooner you share your upsets, the better for your relationship. This skill is called your “turnaround time”.

One of the most obvious ways of trying to speak for yourself is to start your sentences with “I” instead of “you”. Instead of saying, “You don’t know what you’re doing … or … you always say this to me,” consider speaking for yourself by saying, “I need you to look at how you speak to me. I would love it if you …” In other words, when you speak for yourself, everybody stays in their lane.

When you feel distant or disconnected in your relationship, it often means that you’re not getting what you need and are keeping quiet about it. If you speak your mind, you might get what you need and expect. Most disagreements and fights are about not getting what we need. A relationship is about two people’s needs, and the happiness of your connection will be determined by how often you play in each other’s needs. Knowing and expressing what you need from each other steers your relationship in the direction of happiness.

 

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