This is the third in a series of 3 essays on unhealthy masculinities: the sins of our parents, their connection to our adult selves and pathways to recoveryWhile we can be healthier human beings in the world, that requires a deep commitment to self-examining the worst of our current selves, and being prepared to feel awkward and clumsy as we learn to be more fully human than the world has allowed us to be.
You deprive your son of important emotional literacy if you never hug him, hold him, play with him, laugh with him, tell him you love him. My recommendation was left hanging in the air like a fly that can be tolerated. We moved on to cake and cappuccino instead. It is easier to reconcile yourself to sumptuous cake than it is to rehearse a performance of “I love you dad”.writes in his autobiography about the lifelong effect of seeing his dad beat up his mom when he was a kid, so, too, Donovan has vivid, enduring memories of his parents fighting viciously.
A big part of why so many of us men are a hot mess in our daily interactions in the world is because we often have plenty of unfinished business. If you are, have you gone there? Have you told him what you feel and why? Alternatively, have you started on a journey to self-love and healing? This does not have to involve therapy . It could also just mean cultivating authentic friendship spaces within which you can be vulnerable and honest, and not feel emasculated.
Anti-social messages that tell men not to emote, and to be cynical about the language of love, lead to self-harm and make us a danger to others. A key feature of unhealthy masculinities is that many of us have, as hard as it is to admit, inadequate levels of emotional literacy. The other side of learning to love and express love, for example, is also learning to master other aspects of our emotional lives. Donovan and I reflected on how little role-modelling we have both seen in our families of the words, “I am sorry.
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