Yeah, Yeah, Nation Gets It, We Rapidly Approaching End Of Critical Window To Avert Climate Collapse Or Whatever

  • 📰 TheOnion
  • ⏱ Reading Time:
  • 1 sec. here
  • 2 min. at publisher
  • 📊 Quality Score:
  • News: 4%
  • Publisher: 51%

United States Headlines News

United States Latest News,United States Headlines

WASHINGTON—Responding to escalating reports warning of imminent catastrophe, the nation expressed Monday that yeah, yeah, we get it, we’re rapidly approaching the end of the critical window to avert climate collapse or whatever. “Sure, sure, I’ve heard this whole song and dance before about how we’re only years away from a point of no return where global ruin is unavoidable, so if you don’t mind, I’ve got shit to do,” said D.C. resident Aarav Khatri, echoing the sentiments of 328 million Americans who already know the whole deal about a domino effect leading inexorably to extreme storms, decimation of the food supply, climate refugees, political destabilization, and all that bullshit. “Totally, we may have already missed our chance to avert massive devastation and we need to act with the utmost urgency before it becomes exponentially worse, blah, blah, blah—message received loud and clear.” At press time, the nation’s populace had allowed itself one brief, horrifying moment of clarity about the upcoming cataclysm before getting on with the rest of the day.

 

Thank you for your comment. Your comment will be published after being reviewed.
Please try again later.

RogTallbloke Woke leftists will be cancelling the Onion now.

Obama to hold up on recently purchased Martha’s Vineyard island property until crisis averted 😀👍🏼

Sad but true

Wow talk about selective editing, please give original heroic title: “Trans-dimensional horrors can’t invade Earth if no Earth left”

😭

Humans can’t deal with slow disasters.

Well, we have been hearing it for fifty years at least. One grows calloused.

Okay, now do one about nuclear weapons.

Related: Earth Thinking Might Be Time To Deal With Human Infestation Problem

PVespian Please understand, I believe there is more we can do, but for every corporation who refuses to reconsider their packaging or carbon foot print, there is a company now making electric vehicles, planting trees, cleaning the ocean, conserving energy, installing solar, etc.

We’ve been 10 years away from total irreversible apocalyptic disaster for the last 50 years now, it’s only natural for people to have lost enthusiasm

climatechaos

I know already!

we're basically at the mercy of the oligarchs as to whether or not we go all the way

I know this is the onion but this headline is pretty much exactly what is happening.

Why is the Onion News more courageous and responsible than the real news?

forgot the drought

Yep. JoeBiden thinks the way to get thing done is by 'asking' TheDemocrats for ~40% of the bare minimum. It's like we owe a bookie $1M. We're just going to die. ClimateEmergency COVID ImpeachBiden

texas froze the west burned and the south flooded. any questions?

This climate change thing is so 1980's, 1970's, 1960's, 1950's............

Haha, 'approaching' this says.

One does not simply avert Climate Collapse, one embraces it. GroupHug

MiLlamoMiguel how I imagine you 😂

Every climate update these days is 'News: Our darkest predictions have now become our best case scenario.'

We live in Hell.

climate collapse....what ever.... :-)

'Proceed. On your way to oblivion.' Unicron.

'Nation annoyed at decision between cheaper bon-bons or saving the planet that they live on'

Swollen Balls!

True

We must accelerate climate collapse so I can dance on the bones of idiots and die in the battle for food.

You won't find a reputable scientific research that claims humans are responsible for climate change unless backed buy a politician.

Stop eating cheese and eat meat before cow farts 💨 end us all.

The ones that don't care must have lots of stock on oil.

This but unironically

Thank God for the Onion! 🤣🤣😂😂 lightening some s**t up!

Only 5 billion years left.. we're running out of time people!!

for the fifteenth time

The rare time onion news has a black person in it

We have known this would happen since the nineties, why are we so reluctant to change our behavior? Are we just stupid?

Dropped three ice cubes in my whiskey. In a few minutes they were gone. Melted in front of my eyes. ClimateChangeIsReal ClimatechangeIsScary

Remember what the boomers condemned us to, when you see them at family gatherings.

It is what it is.

Been there. Done that. Wanna buy a T-Shirt?

we're so fucked lmao

Saving the planet is only cool if your in an Avengers movie

Yup, you did it again this pretty much sums up the attitude of most Americans. So very hilariously sad but true...

breaking : Oil companies fund new re-release of Americas🇺🇸favorite vehicle

ed_solomon One thing at a time damn.

It's not like anyone that can do anything about it is going to something though. I can be upset as I want to be and not a damn thing is going to change, so might as well slide in defeated nihilism.

Poopiemorph

Ugh, so true

'We rapidly,' as opposed to 'we're rapidly.'

We are so dead.

Yeah, not too important. Why is it such a big deal?

The top issues now are racism and cv19. By the end of summer climate change and the collapsing economy will likely be foremost. And by the election I hope income and wealth disparities have a turn.

Okay let's avert climate collapse already people ok climate collapse averted well done everyone

Have liberals amended their 12 year timeline yet?

This captures the nation's utter indifference to climate change perfectly.

Too real

My brain waffles between 'it's important to save for retirement' and 'is the planet going to be inhabitable when I retire why do I wake up and work anymore is there a point to trying when we're all doomed.' Y'know, typical millennial stuff.

'It's because of all those cow farts.'

In our heart of hearts we know our extinction would be best for all concerned.

Dope earrings

You know *gestures at all the garbage fires happening all around the world

We have summarized this news so that you can read it quickly. If you are interested in the news, you can read the full text here. Read more:

 /  🏆 724. in US

United States Latest News, United States Headlines

Similar News:You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.

Kanye West Says He's Running for President in 2020 and People Have *Thoughts*Yes, as in the election happening in four months. Thoughts? These are real emotions! When 2020 took FML as a serious challenge. Tell him to just go away and don’t interfere with the election. He will take votes from Biden. 😂🤣😂
Source: marieclaire - 🏆 102. / 63 Read more »

Kanye West Says He's Running for PresidentAnd, yeah, it looks like he means 2020. 🥴doing nothing other than dividing votes I can’t even like this comment. So irresponsible. kanyeonlyloveskanye No he’s staying where he is
Source: papermagazine - 🏆 409. / 53 Read more »

These New Moms Posted Photos Wearing COVID Masks While Giving BirthYes, Ken, you can put one on, too Well that settles it. If you can wear a mask while delivering a baby, you can wear one for half an hour while shopping.
Source: ScaryMommy - 🏆 116. / 63 Read more »

5-Ingredient Eggplant Parm Skips the Fuss, Keeps the CheeseDo yourself a favor and make this eggplant parm STAT. 🍆🍅🧀
Source: Food52 - 🏆 113. / 63 Read more »

The Seashell Necklace Has Washed Ashore This SummerThe cowrie necklace is a simple and affordable way to dive into summer style. Can you please release an African edition of Vogue? You’ll be shocked and surprised of the level of delivery We have been wearing cowrie for generations. Y'all just discov...nevermind. 🙄
Source: voguemagazine - 🏆 715. / 51 Read more »