Why am I so fascinated by other people but I can’t help taking all the interesting things I observe about them and using those things to make myself feel bad? Or, at the very least, to tell a story about how their aesthetic choices or that interesting way they carry themselves or their hobbies indicate that I am not that thing? Why are other people somehow transfigured into data about me?
It’s possible that, as a kid, what your mother wanted for you took primacy over what you wanted. Maybe your mom never asked you what you wanted; it was just assumed that your priorities matched. Or maybe when you were asked questions like, “What do you enjoy?” and “What do you think you want to do with your life?,” there was a looming feeling that you could give wrong answers. When you did offer up the wrong thing, you were greeted with silence. When you were on the right track, enthusiasm grew.
And how do you know this explanation is worthwhile and real and not just analytic riffing? First of all, because you’re a little obsessed, which is an intellectual side effect of your strong feelings. But that’s not all. You’re unnerved by how other people are living. It sinks in and you can’t let it go. Something that starts out on the surface of your thoughts slowly sinks into the groundwater of your emotions and poisons your mood.
In other words? Nothing felt real. Everything was just analytic riffing. Under those conditions, you can’t feel your way forward or give yourself the time you need to explore what you enjoy. And you can’t pursue interests simply because some part of you wants to, for no good reason whatsoever. You always have to justify the value of the time you spend on anything.
That’s not the lesson people want you to learn from social media. You’re supposed to know that it’s all a big shallow farce, and the right things to want are much quieter and more humble and more deeply grounded and morally correct. But that’s culture’s way of conflating how social media’s addictive traits erode our sense of self with the actual things we might see and desire on social media. We can resolve not to scroll Twitter or Instagram until we feel exhausted and hate ourselves.
Listen to these feelings of fascination and dissatisfaction and insecurity, because they’ll lead you to what you love deeply, if you let them. If you open yourself up, they might lead you to grant yourself more space and time for whatever you enjoy, even when it seems a little frivolous or unproductive or silly.
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