Aftan Sylvester, Chelsea Caris, Ivy Margulies, Lauren Riggs, Mayo Clinic, Pregnancy

Aftan Sylvester, Chelsea Caris

What to say to someone who's had a miscarriage

What to say to someone who's had a miscarriage:

10/18/2021 9:21:00 AM

What to say to someone who's had a miscarriage:

What do you say to someone who's had a miscarriage?

sayanything to her."Nothing anyone said was going to fix anything," she said."What I wish someone would've done was come and sit with me, especially in those first few weeks. I spent a lot of time by myself and I had people I could text, but I couldn't bring it upon myself to say to someone, 'Look, I really need someone to come to my house because I'm home alone, crying in bed.'" The best thing close friends did, she explained, was show up and maybe bring dinner."That really helped," she added.

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2. Don't assume a loss is being processed in a specific way:Many women internalize their miscarriages as the loss of a baby, but others do not."I'm always respectful about how people want to understand that loss for themselves," Margulies said.

3. Check in regularly:Margulies encouraged people to check in with the grieving person or couple regularly, and not to worry that you'll ruin a"good day." However, she warned, a grieving person may not be overly responsive."Say, 'You don't need to respond, but I'm here for you if you need anything,'" Margulies advised.

4. Avoid statements that can be misconstrued as dismissive:Dr. Jennifer Ashton, ABC News' chief medical correspondent and a board-certified obstetrician and gynecologist, said that comments like,"You can always try again," or,"You can always have another baby," can be damaging, even if they're well-intentioned."A miscarriage in any trimester is a loss, and that is incredibly emotional and painful," she said. Phrases that begin with"at least" ("At least it happened early,""At least you can get pregnant") should be avoided, too."There's no 'at least,'" said Chelsea Caris, who has experienced two early miscarriages and a second trimester loss of twins."There's no silver lining there."

5. Realize that optimism can be seen as toxic:Riggs pointed out that sometimes when people would try to act as cheerleaders, they came across as unfeeling."I found it to be so hurtful when people say, 'You're so young! It'll happen again,'" she said."It's a lot scarier trying again and people don't realize that. There's a lot of extra anxiety and stress that comes with it."

(MORE: Miscarriage and stillbirth: Everything you need to know but were too nervous to ask)6. Understand that everyone grieves differently:Aftan Sylvester said that after her miscarriage, she was told,"You just have to dust yourself off and try again.""You just don't dust things off like that," she told"Good Morning America.""Be gentle with a person, because everybody has different triggers. Know that it may not be a big deal to you, but for them it was a big deal."

7. Validate the person's feelings:"Don't feel like you need to 'fix it' or 'make it better.' Just say, 'Wow, that sounds really hard. Do you need a hug?'" Margulies said."Keep it simple: 'Is there anything I can do to support you?'"

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8. Know that a new pregnancy won't"fix" things:Caris said becoming pregnant after her losses was fraught."We're so excited, but I still have my moments where I panic," she admitted."I'll break down and I need my husband to reassure me, like, 'Hey, it's gonna be OK, no matter what happens.' ... When you lose a child, your faith just goes out the window."

9. Ask questions:Margulies said that especially in the event of a stillbirth or later loss, it can be helpful to ask if the baby was given a name."It's a really kind thing to ask and validates that baby's life," she said."Their name matters."

10. If you've had a similar experience, try sharing it:Many women interviewed by"GMA" said that it was comforting to talk to others who had experienced pregnancy or infant loss."I really encourage women to seek out support, especially with other women who have gone through what they've gone through, so they find their tribe," Margulies said.

Read more: ABC News »

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Nothing, until they say something first..... It happens to about every woman Ask what they would have named it You probably don’t even know they had a miscarriage. Because we, as women, will not announce that we are officially pregnant until after 12 weeks or so. So many people don’t know how many of us have suffered miscarriages

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