“Here comes Hillary Clinton, you better get out of here.”“That’s right. It was me all along. And I’d do it again.”Revealing yourself as the grand architect of the conspiracy is one way to potentially earn this person’s undying loyalty to you.“Yes,” then you’ve done your best and should move on.“Welcome To Tucker Carlson Tonight.”“Snap out of it, Margaret, you’re being hysterical!”Scream this while slapping your loved one repeatedly across the face.
You forgot you’re even more gullible than the other person and have no choice but to slowly come around to the idea that the moon landing was performed on a soundstage.“Okay, but how can pedophiles exist when children do not?”“Welcome to Burger King!” Hey, you’re just doing your job, and you have no idea this guy is gonna start ranting about who the real “king” is.“That’s not what I read on Facebook.”“You have that hundred dollars you owe me?”No harm in a quick experiment to see exactly how suggestible they really are.“I’m going to lecture the fuck out of you.”
The proven way to get people entrenched in conspiracies to change their views is to scold them to their face and preferably in front of company.“I’m pretty sure that’s the plot of The Sandlot.”a conspiracy theory about a beastly dog that lives behind a fence and eats baseballs and children is a fanciful story plucked straight from fiction.
Closing4fun1 What conspiracy theory’s in the last few years have turned out to be false?
'I'm not going to comment on this now because it seems insane but in 6 months it'll probably be proven true'
Oh it's amazingly common. Even the folks who are fairly resistant to it will sometimes feel themselves being sucked in. Conspiracy Theory Disorder is a spectrum, and we're all on it.
'You were right... AGAIN! Sorry I called you a Putin puppet.'
This would unironically be useful. Not even an onion article, really.
I'm fully licensed to treat hysteria...
This is a quality one right here.
1st of all- Never use the H of C word on a woman! 2nd- Anti Science, Conspiracy Theory, Far Right, Fascist, Nazi, Soy Boy, toxic male and so on, are all pejoratives, designed to defame and disable. Deny, obfuscate, counter accuse.
literally dying
One person's conspiracy is another's truth. Who are you to say what is true and what is not true. In actuality there is no such thing as absolute truth.
“Hysterical” is actually an outdated an sexist term because it misspells “his”
Or put their brains in the washing machine for a bit of brain washing! 😜
nzbenge Or, you could say 'you're telling me this 6 months too early. Everyone knows that these days, a good conspiracy theory needs at least 6 months of ridicule before naysayers suddenly realise it wasn't far off the mark, and then just try to waive it off...'
Believing what someone else tells you doesn't make you a sheep?
🤣🤌
“You must be CRAZY!!! At least the TV says you are!”
'Listen, I know in 6 months it will be proven as at least mostly true, but right now CNN doesn't talk about it so stop being so crazy about it'
The key is to out crazy them.
Might, if I thought those people were capable of learning.
real unhinged comment section today
Related: Man Vehemently Against Cultism Desperately Pleads For People To Please Just Watch Video Of His Grand Leader Explaining Why Cults Are Dangerous
“I’m going to lecture the heck out of you.”
You gotta one-up them. They say COVID was created in China? Tell them William, Prince of Wales was behind it.
Have you ever wondered why there are pigeons everywhere? I am just saying...
I'm old enough to remember when the Onion used to be funny.
K. Bye.
“Bye.”
slackbastard 'Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.' Voltaire
LMFAOOOO
*yawn* They once funny Onion has become “Family Circus” or maybe “Garfield.”
Down south, they would say “bless your heart.” Also down south, they would say they are not theories. blessyourheart
'Go with it, what's the worse that could happen?' 1 billion dollars later 'Oh... good luck.'
I think Good bye is the appropriate coda After they get mad when you ask them to seek help
What to say when the conspiracy is true?
talk about your great aunt who died alone with a house full of old National Enquirers full of circled words and notations and her having a pen in her hand but no eyes because her cats had eaten them then ask them to join your local chapter of the Illuminati
💀
SilvaRecord Both Left and and Right have conspiracies. But I’m laughing at the irony of people on the left here acting as if conspiracy theories aren’t real: Opioid pandemic, Russiagate lie, UAPs, and Epstein are just four of the biggest ones revealed within the past decade🤣
SilvaRecord Where do they get all these photos 😄
Just Implementation of Manipulation , Possession and Hidden Agenda Package .❤
This is the correct response.
Just try to outweird them.
Hypnotherapy
Pointing 👉 and laughing 🤣 goes down well. Try it!
I've figured it out! The Onion is actually a news aggregate that syndicates content from parallel universes. This is all need from different dimensions. The Onion is actually evil!
'Here, honey, please drink this delicious special tea that Vladmir Putin personally gifted to you!'
What do you say to someone who automatically dismisses a conspiracy theory based on nothing but skepticism? Tbh keep your data to yourself in the real world.
JakeBlumberg
I've personally found the Socratic Method to be more effective, though this is of course my immediate inclination
Often both people think the other has fallen for a conspiracy.
Let’s troll Musk, that’s always fun
'No, no- I know what The Metaverse is. I'm just saying that Freemasons did NOT upload Queen Elizabeth's consciousness to The Metaverse so that McDonald's can save money on french fries.'
Sound advice, tbh 😂
'Yeah, well I'm not so sure Fox News even has a fact checker.'
“I’m not sure JFK junior would pick the grassy knoll for his triumphant return.” -Set reasonable expectations for the insanity so your next interaction will include actionable intelligence
'Yea that's probably true'
This madee laugh more than expected. 😂
'I don't exist when you aren't around to observe me'
I just make up an even crazier conspiracy to see if they'll latch onto that one instead. Usually it involves giving me money in some way.
If you fall for the pitch, you need the pills
or could you let them know they don't have to buy the products to support Alex Jones? He also takes donations, and some conspiracies turn out to be true.
OMG…I’m so exhausted and this is fucking hilarious 🤣
No thanks I want the Sigma-Male Rogan Musk Crypto NFT white bro pill plz
The Jews Aren’t Using Mind Control On Me? Then Explain My Stupidity
God%$^T !!! *Freedom* apparently's spelled with two 'E's.
Totally non intrusive ads
Define conspiracy theory
'snap out of it Margaret!'
'I know. WE know.'
'The Knights Templar created the Illuminati hoax, to hide the real truth. Which I have vowed to never tell.'
theliamnissan Goodbye.
Who's that behind you? Made you look!
I think The Onion is dead because we live in a simulation that is beyond parody at this point
If you wanna really mess with them just say: “I think you’re probably right, but don’t tell anyone, I think they’re listening to us right now.”
'You will be proven right in 5-8 months, be patient'.
Look at this coin hanging on the thread. Do you see the spiral on it, how it is moving slowly? You feel sleepier and sleepier ...
I’m in your walls
...
Really? This is still a thing? Soviet spies got into US military, stole secrets. They would have exposed any moon landing fraud.
'I'd like to sell you an NFT.'
if it can be done on paper it should be possible
I would politely suggest they consider joining the Republican party.
somebody's looking to get punched by Buzz Aldrin
I guess the World Trade Center towers could have been designed to fall in on themselves at the moment passenger jets flew into them.
The World Trade Center towers were designed to fall in on itself at the exact moment those planes flew into them.
well i wasn't there when the cia killed jfk, but i mean...
I always went South Park on them. “So, the group who did conspiracy name is really that powerful? Wow. Maybe we should be careful talking about this at a crowded Applebee’s? Yes! Quesadillas! Right here.”
Moon is made out of cheese. I’ve eaten cheese. Therefore, we landed on the moon. Science bitch
'Ew'
“I didn’t know you were a shit-for-brains”
I just say 'I know I read your file'
'I'd like to sell you an NFT'
Why is ghislane Maxwell still alive?
They're actually pronounced Conspiracy Hypotheses.
Like the one that Biden would bring us together? 🤷♂️
'there's, like, at least a 99% chance the aluminum hat you're wearing will give you either dementia or brain cancer'
Who is to say if it’s a “Theory”. You?
'Let's just talk about conspiracies we agree on.' Perfect.
You should make a news article outlet say government forces citizens to reproduce and birth more slaves to keep the capitalist engine going, that will trigger many folks 🤔😈🤣
'Germ Theory? Tiny creatures that we can't see that make us sick AND bleeding patients won't help? You, sir, are a fool for disagreeing with mainstream thought.' Might as well listen; often the only difference between 'conspiracy theory' and 'fact' is 50 yrs.
Ah yeah? You think that's bad? There are biker mice from Mars who will stop at nothing to see their way of life crush your existence
Let me guess, if it isn't Democrat party mandated thought control, then it's a conspiracy?
“Despite what conspiracy theorist Maddow says on MSNBC, the vaccines do not stop infection or transmission.”
Mom, Dad. Please give your heads a shake, you didn’t actually see a youtube of Clinton and Obama grilling a baby on a spit. That was Gaetze and Boebert and it was expired pork.
Don't waste your breath.
“Give it 6 months and it will be government policy..”
-“You have that hundred dollars you owe me?” -No harm in a quick experiment to see exactly how suggestible they really are. Gosh the Onion is great.
'Theres a 50/50 chance you'll be proven correct in a year or so'
Depends on the conspiracy theory. Maybe it's true.
Good bye
They are trying to keep you from giving me money to save the world, don't let them
Once they cross that line it's usually more fun to just tell them their tinfoil hat is really made of aluminum and watch them freak out because obviously that's a plot to neuter the protective benefits of wearing tinfoil hats.
We don’t exist when you aren’t in the same room as us
Verify with a politician, they NEVER lie. (Geez , I hope I’m on the onion.)
SHARKHUMANZ
Does this rag smell like chloroform?
Who’s Keith Richards, then?
How do you know its a conspiracy theory..it could be the truth 🤔
Let me see your hands... ok, you're stuuupeeeed!
'Looking at memes isn't 'doing research' '
In the case of COVID, kaddish
You yell 'Ha-ha!' like that Bully kid form the Simpsons.
There's no such thing as conspiracy theories. The whole idea was invited by Jerry Rubin in the 70s to annoy decent, hard-working Americans.
This is good stuff
'Get your head out of your ass.'
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